Category Archives: Stories

Crotched.

A short comic about the time my friend Melissa was over for a sleepover and I accidentally crotched myself.

crotched-comiccrotched-comic1crotched-comic2

It hurt a lot. The End.

Follow

They’re Magically Delicious

This story is dedicated to my mom, as it is her favourite story about me and she asked me recently why I haven’t told it yet. So heeeeere it is!

When I was just a little kitty, my very favourite cereal in the entire world was Lucky Charms.

423218448_f26aa24f11

So magically delicious. Like every child I of course looooved the marshmallows. Could not get enough. I could eat an entire bowl of just the marshmallows, easily.

tumblr_m4kyoxXWq61qjo5n5o1_500

Whenever I would eat my bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast I would eat all the boring oat pieces first and then save all the little marshmallows for last. I still do this with my dinner plates: eat the stuff that isn’t my favourite first so then the good things are all saved for last. It’s a good eating method. I recommend it. This way your favourite thing is the very last taste in your mouth.

One day when I was about three or four, my mom bought a giant family-sized box of Lucky Charms. She brought it home from the grocery store and as soon as she took it out of the bag I was all over it.

lucky-charms

My mom noticed me admiring the box of deliciousness.

lucky-charms1

And she decided that it probably wasn’t a good idea to just leave the box lying around, as I’d probably get into it.

lucky-charms2

lucky-charms3

But I didn’t WANT them for breakfast tomorrow, I wanted them right NOW.

My mom thought that a good place to “hide” the Lucky Charms would be on top of the refrigerator, because I was just little, and wouldn’t be able to reach it.

lucky-charms

But when I want something that badly, I want it, and I WILL get it.

I stared at that box for the rest of the day. And as I was going to sleep that night, all I could think about were the Lucky Charms just sitting on the top of the fridge waiting for me. I had to have them.

So I woke up super early, before my parents, with the plan of acquiring that box of Lucky Charms. And actually I am not even sure how I woke up so early, but it’s possible that I didn’t sleep at all.

But anyway, I woke up super early (it was still dark), crept into the kitchen, and there they were.

lucky-charms5

In the same spot my mom had left them the night before. Still too high for me to reach.

But I was a resourceful little minx. So I grabbed a chair from the kitchen table, quietly dragged it over to the fridge, and climbed up onto the counter.

lucky-charms6

lucky-charms7

lucky-charms8

Almost…

lucky-charms9

Success.

lucky-charms10

The Lucky Charms and I were reunited.

I quickly (but quietly) put the chair back, took the box of Lucky Charms with me into my bedroom and shut the door. I was alone with my conquest. The Lucky Charms were all mine.

I immediately dumped the entire box onto my floor.

lucky-charms11

And then I sat down next to the mound of Lucky Charms and got to work.

I meticulously separated the marshmallows from the boring oat pieces one by one. It took me ages, but I didn’t give up. I picked out every last colourful piece of marshmallow and set it aside. In the end I had a pile of oat pieces (which I discarded), and a perfect pile of just marshmallows.

lucky-charms

Which I then ate. I ate the entire pile of marshmallows.

In the morning my mom woke up a bit later than usual and thought it was weird that I wasn’t up and harassing her yet. It was very unlike me to be so quiet in my room so late. So she came in to check on me.

lucky-charms13

And this is how she found me.

lucky-charms14

lucky-charms15

lucky-charms16

As my mom tells me the story, and as she tells everyone she tells this story to, she found me eating the very last marshmallow in the box.

I spent the rest of the day alternating between laying around in a sugar coma and magically throwing up the rainbow.

But surprisingly I am not sick of Lucky Charms even now! And I still love those little marshmallows!

Follow

Adventures in Online Dating Part 2: The Dates

So I mentioned last week that I had a few dates that were a bit on the weird side when I was doing the online dating thing. For the most part my dates were fine. Everyone was very nice, and I didn’t meet anyone who was creepy weird (but like I said in my original online dating post, I had a screening process – had I not there would have been huge potential for creepy dates). I probably went on dates with about seven different people, and mostly they were fine. I did meet some cool people, and most were normal, regular guys. I just ultimately didn’t feel a connection or didn’t see it working out.

But let’s get to the weird ones.

The Socially Awkward Liar

The Socially Awkward Liar said in his dating profile that he was 5’11, but it was clear upon meeting him that he had lied about his height. He was shorter than me (I am 5’9), and just overall slight. I could for sure piggyback him no problem. When I was describing him later to my friend Sherrie, I believe I said that I could pick him up and throw him. Probably one-handed.

But, height is not something you can control, so I was not so shallow that I was going to shaft him because of that. It bothered me that he had lied, of course, and as a general rule I think it is very important to be honest and up front in your online dating profile — if you are going to end up dating someone you meet on there the ugly truth about you is going to come out anyway. Why prolong it? And I don’t know why he would choose to lie about something so OBVIOUS. But, we had dinner plans and I was hungry so I was willing to look past it.

It quickly became apparent though, that he had lied about several other things as well. Such as having any sort of sense of humour or personality. He came across very well through typing, but in person, nothing. Zero personality.

He barely laughed at anything I said. And people usually tell me I am funny (it’s my favourite compliment). Or if he did laugh, it seemed very forced and way delayed.

I also found it really hard to talk to him in general. Our entire dinner conversation consisted of him bombarding me with questions. It went something like this:

I hate that question. What don’t I do for fun? I do all the things for fun!

But he went on…

The entire date. Just relentless questions. He didn’t even wait for me to finish answering one question before launching into the next one. I felt like I was on a job interview for a job that I didn’t even want. It was so painful. And the questions he asked were all things that I think can come up organically in regular conversation. But he did pay, so all was not completely lost. And my dinner was really good.

The Bill Splitter

I was out for dinner with a guy who I thought was extremely funny. He made me laugh very hard, which is an important quality. He was definitely weird, but I have been known to be kind of weird as well, and I thought I might have a bit of an affinity for his weirdness. I was having a good time.

And then our sever came over to inquire about the bill…

And things took a turn for the awkward…

Oh, okay.

I didn’t mind paying but…call me old-fashioned or whatever, I think on a first date the guy should at least offer to pay. I would probably offer to split or at least cover the tip anyway…but especially if HE asked ME out. I didn’t want to get all weird about it though, so I tried to keep my face expressionless.

And then the server, all awkward, asked…

And he thought about it for a second, and then said…

Really?!

I just stared at him. I didn’t know how to react. It was so weird. And it wasn’t even the most weird for me, it was so weird for our server!

Waiting for the bill (oh, sorry, bills) to come mayyyy have been the most awkward few minutes of my life. I just didn’t know what to say. And he didn’t stop staring at me during this time. He just looked at me all intensely with a creepy smile on his face. Neither of us said anything. I felt very uncomfortable.

And then finally, our server came back with our bills. She put each of our bills in front of us, and then looked at me like “This guy’s a douche.” And he did not take his eyes off me.

And then he grabbed both of the bills and ran away to pay them. Both of them! He paid for mine also. I was so confused. When he came back, I said something.

Um, no.

Here’s the thing. This guy was pretty funny (he used to be a stand up comedian), so I think he only did this to test me to see how I would react. He had planned on paying the entire time. While this is funny to an outsider, and it is funny to me now, it was not very funny at the time. This guy was way too unpredictable. I’m pretty sure he would make it a point to embarrass me in public all the time, and though I don’t embarrass easily, I am just not down with that. Unnecessary. No thank you.

“No Thanks, I Don’t Eat”

Date #3 seemed promising. He was very cute, great spelling and grammar, was tall, funny, and seemed super fun. And he took me to a comedy club. So wins all around.

Afterwards, we went out to a pub to get a drink. It was kinda late and I hadn’t eaten in a while, so as I was perusing the menu I asked…

Because I LOVE nachos.

Surely I misheard.

And so he repeated himself.

And then he explained to me that he worked in a bar, so he just didn’t buy food, and only ate when he was working.

Ah.

On the one hand, I was impressed by his ability to not have to eat, because it would be nice to be able to go more than a few hours without dying of starvation. On the other hand, that is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard. Also, I am very, VERY, very very very food oriented. VERY.

I explained to him that I love food. Very much. I love it so much I have a blog basically about food. And he said that was great because he really needed to broaden his food horizons, because currently he does not eat fruit, vegetables, seafood or dessert. Under any circumstance.

Nooo thank you. No. I love food too much. How would we go out for dinner? What if I was at his house and he had no food available? I could starve! Images of me starving flashed before my eyes. I did not trust him not to let that happen. It would never work out. Eating is a VERY important part of my life. Not eating is a deal breaker.

And I did. And I ate the entire plate of them, and he did not even have one. Not even one. Because they had lettuce and tomato on them. And he doesn’t eat vegetables.

Oh don’t even get me started.

Follow

Salad

Ever since I wrote the story about Darryl the bully and smashing him in the face with my lunchbox, I have been thinking about bullying. That was certainly not the only time in my life that I have been made fun of.

High school was fine for me, but not because I was “cool” (I was not). I just went to such a small school that bullying was never really a problem. Grade 8 sure was though. I was teased pretty mercilessly. Almost the entire year, and at the time I remember getting so upset about it. Though when I think back about it, it seems silly now.

The biggest thing I was teased about, was my salad.

I will explain.

My Nana makes the absolute best salad in the entire world. It includes the same ingredients as any old salad: lettuce, tomato and cucumber. Though she does also like to add entire cloves of garlic to the salad. I’m serious. She will chop cloves of garlic maybe in half so then you are just basically eating a clove of garlic. Maybe that’s why it was so good…

But what really made her salad absolute dynamite was her oil and vinegar dressing. It was just oil and vinegar. That’s it. But it was magical.

(she just used white vinegar though)

I cannot for the life of me duplicate her dressing, even now. It will never taste like hers. Maybe her secret ingredient was love, I do not know. But that dressing, I could drink a bottle of it on its own. It was just so amazing. I loved it so much.

So my mom knew that I loved my Nana’s salad, and when she packed my lunch for me, she would make the salad and try to duplicate the dressing. It was very thoughtful of her (even though her dressing still wasn’t quite my Nana’s, but no one’s is).

I loved the salad, and I appreciated her making it for me and packing my lunch. But the dressing turned into a problem. She would put the dressing on the salad, in a container, and then put the container in my lunchbox. And no matter what container she used, or how tight the lid was, the container would inevitably leak. It would leak through my lunchbox and into my school bag, and sometimes onto my jacket. I would just smell like vinegar all day long.

And what does white vinegar smell like?

White vinegar, my friends, smells like pre-pubescent body odour. It smells like BO.

So, I smelled like BO. And this fact was not lost on the kids I went to school with.

And of course I tried to explain myself. Because it was absolutely NOT BO.

But I know even now how ridiculous it sounds to blame your BO on your salad. Suuuuuuure it was my salad. Of course no one believed me.

At first everyone just started calling me “BO”, but I was so adamant that it was my salad, the name changed to just “Salad”.

I would try to tell my mom no. Pack me a different lunch. I don’t want the salad!

It was ridiculous. But I eventually convinced her to just go back to packing me peanut butter and jam sandwiches.

But the name stuck for the entire year. And I’ll never forget it. Good times. I’m lucky I don’t have a salad complex now, but I still love it!

Anyway, parents, just a lesson for you. Don’t pack your kids salad with a vinegar dressing for lunch. It is just a bad idea.

Follow

The Bully and the Lunchbox

From Grades 1 through 12, I took a bus to school. I didn’t mind it, and actually most of the time I liked it! I had extremely fun people on my bus, especially in high school. And when I was younger I would sit with my friends and play clapping games (like Miss Mary had a steamboat) the entire ride.

But it was not all fun and games. When I was in Grade 2 my bus went through some dark times.

The dark times were a boy named Darryl. Darryl was a year older than me, and he was a straight-up bully. Unfortunately, I was Darryl’s favourite victim. He would tease me, try to trip me, repeatedly tap me on the head if he was sitting behind me, pull my hair, call me ugly, steal my school bag, the list goes on. He was relentless.

I would go home and complain to my mom about all the terrible things Darryl said or did to me, and she would just tell me that boys teased you when they liked you, so he probably had a crush on me.

This did not make me feel any better about the teasing. If anything, it made me feel worse. Thinking about Darryl having a crush on me made me feel icky and grimy. He was a disgusting bully.

Darryl’s teasing went on for a few months. And I just quietly took it. Every single day. Sure, I yelled back at him, trying to defend myself. But the more I reacted, the more Darryl laughed at me, and he teased me even harder.

But one day Darryl took his teasing too far.

He thought it would be a good idea to make up a song about how ugly I was. Our bus ride was about 20 minutes long, and he sang the song repeatedly.

He even got a few of his little minions to join in on the chorus.

I sat in my seat clutching my plastic Beetlejuice lunchbox tightly, staring at the seat ahead of me, just seething. I tried to ignore him, but as he went on with his song, I got increasingly more angry.

Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I snapped. In a rage, I grabbed my Beetlejuice lunchbox by the handle, turned around in my seat…

And I smashed him in his big stupid head.

I hit him so hard that my lunchbox cracked. A huge red gash appeared on his forehead, and he began bleeding profusely.

And then he did something I had never seen a bully do before. He started to cry.

I stared at him bleeding and crying, and I suddenly felt very sad for him. I regretted smashing him in the head with my lunchbox. I didn’t mean to hit him quite as hard as I did. I just wanted to teach him a lesson.

Darryl ran to tell our bus driver, who stopped the bus and called me up to the front. She said that she was going to have to inform the principal of the accident when we arrived at school.

I was terrified. I had never been in trouble before, and I knew that I was probably going to be sent to the principal’s office for this. The principal’s office was an unknown place to me, but I had a feeling it was very scary in there and it did not sound like a good time at all. I thought I was probably going to get at least a detention also, and that did not sound like a good time either.

I sat at my desk that morning, shaking in fear.

About half an hour after class started, I was called to the office. I was prepared for this moment, but I was not ready. I made my way slowly down the hall, prolonging my impending doom. When I reached the office, Darryl was already there, and he wasn’t crying anymore. He looked extremely smug and proud of himself.

We were instructed to sit in chairs in the secretary’s area until the principal was ready to see us.

And I knew he was right. I nearly started to cry.

After what seemed like a million years, the principal came out to collect us. He looked big and mean and scary, and I was afraid. Days of detention flashed before my eyes. I didn’t even know what went on in detention, but I pictured something similar to writing lines on the chalkboard like Bart in the Simpsons.

Darryl and I sat in chairs in front of his desk. He began to question us.

But then…

I looked up, surprised. This was true. Could our principal be on my side?

I explained that Darryl had been harassing me every day. That he tripped me in the aisle of the bus, and pulled my hair, and said terrible things about me, and made up a song about how ugly I was.

Our principal said the bus driver had told him this also. And then he said something I will never forget.

The smug smile immediately slowly from Darryl’s face. I was in shock.

I got a warning. Just a warning not to do that again. And that was that. We were free to go.

Word of the incident spread around the school, and for a few weeks I was a hero. Even kids in Grade 6 were coming up to me and asking me about Darryl and the lunchbox accident.

And guess what? Darryl never bothered me again. Not ever.

Now, I’m not saying that you should go around smashing people in the face with your lunchbox. But I am saying don’t bully people. Karma will get you. If not, someone with a hard plastic Beetlejuice lunchbox just might…

Follow

Eric’s Teeth

My brother Eric is 10 years younger than me. You may have noticed in pictures that I have posted of him when he was young, that he had no front teeth.

Here is the story of how Eric lost his teeth (and man, he was a happy child!).

I was super excited when Eric was born.

Obviously. I mean, look at the fancy dress I wore to the hospital. I was excited to meet him! I stayed at my friend Melissa‘s house the night he was born, and I can remember just dying of excitement. I didn’t even know if he was going to be a boy or a girl!

I had always wanted a sibling, and finally at 10-years-old, I was getting one. Because my parents waited so long to have another baby, and I was so old by the time he came around, I was automatically the built-in babysitter.

The “have experience with newborns” on our babysitting flyer? Yeah, that referred mainly to having experience with Eric.

Babysitting him was actually fine with me. I loved looking after my little brother. I can remember holding him in my arms and singing him lullabies (aww), and reading him stories, and prepping him to be my partner in crime.

But of course, I was his sibling, and it was not all sunshine and rainbows. He could be super annoying also. And you can ask any of my friends about that.

That would be my Bestie Lisa with Eric (she was so young!), and she is kind of smiling nice for the camera, while also looking like she hates him a little bit.

He used to terrorize us so badly. Usually if I was babysitting him I could keep him in check by pretending to call Santa in the North Pole if he acted up. I’d pick up the phone, pretend to dial, and be all “Hi, is Santa there?” And Eric would panic and be all “NOOOO! Don’t call SANTA!!!!!” and then he would be a little angel for the rest of the evening. It was a good plan. If you babysit now, I’m telling you, use that. It works beautifully.

Anyway, I liked to roughhouse with Eric a little bit. I was a pretty good tickle monster, and we regularly played Superman. I would lie on my back on the floor and make him put his stomach on my feet and raise him in the air above me. He LOVED it. Superman was his favourite.

That is Superman. I don’t have a picture of me doing it with Eric, so that will do. I’ll still do Superman now, pretty much with any child who will let me.

I also used to regularly hold onto his hands and swing him around the kitchen, which he LOVED. It was a good time. But it led to his downfall on the tooth-front.

One time I was babysitting Eric when he was just under two, and I decided to step up the swinging and hold Eric by his feet instead of his hands.

All was going well, I was swinging him around by his feet, and he was loving it. Best time of his life. And then I don’t know what happened. Somehow his ankles slipped out of my grasp, and the next thing I knew Eric was flying away from me, across the kitchen, and I watched in almost slow motion as he rotated like a helicopter and landed on his face on the kitchen floor (this image is still burned into my brain).

I was horrified. He began crying immediately, and as I rushed over to pull him up, blood was spewing from his face. It just covered the floor. It was EVERYWHERE. And then I saw his front teeth. Both of them. On the floor, in their entirety. Root and all. His poor little baby teeth.

So I called my parents, and held towels against his mouth to stop the bleeding while I waited for them to come home and drive us to the hospital.

Eric was fine. For landing on his face, he took it well (much like I did). But for most of his childhood, he had no front teeth.

Probably the funniest thing about this was, this happened when Eric was still too young to be able to talk properly. So he couldn’t tell my parents what had actually happened…

But I sure could. I didn’t want to get in trouble, so I didn’t tell my parents I was swinging him around by his feet. I told them that Eric had just been spinning around the kitchen by himself and accidentally fell. This was very plausible because I used to spin around the kitchen pretending I was skating and I was Kristi Yamagouchi (pretty much my girl crush). So Eric wanting to copy me was not very far-fetched.

But then a little while later, when Eric could actually talk, he remembered what happened. And I’m pretty sure his first coherent sentence was “Lindsey dropped me!”

Dark times. I was caught. And it was not good.

But despite me dropping him on his face and knocking out his front teeth, we are close now. So close we accidentally match at weddings (<- best wedding of my life).

He has forgiven me.

And eventually his adult teeth came in and all was well! He is beautiful, with beautiful teeth.

And all I have to say about that is luckily!!!!

Follow