Well, since you all now know the story and are all roped into this with me, I have an update, and I think I should share it. This is why I prefer to make sure these types of situations are done before I talk about them. So I can tell the entire story once and not have it drag out for months. Hopefully this will be the last time I talk about it, because I am not going to let it consume me. Too many great things are happening in my life right now for me to concentrate on this.
Anyway, this morning I received the following email from “Chris”.
I’m not going to tell you who I really am and once I send this email I am going to delete this account. Also know that I would never use anything you shared with me to compromise you in any way. But I do owe you an explanation. Everything I told you about myself (other than my name of course) was once real. The photos I sent to you were as close I could find to what I once was. Every feeling I shared with you was and is still real. I do love you, more than you know, but you would never love the real me. Not now. You made me feel more alive than I have in a long time and I thank you with all my heart for that. You are everything I could have ever wanted in life but now can never have. I used you to feel good about myself and for that there is no excuse, no apology that is remotely sufficient. I am sorry to have hurt you. I let things go too far. I was greedy with my feelings for you and let you get too close. I continued this charade for so long because I was scrambling to find a way out without causing you hurt. Ultimately I failed and it made it worse. I hope you can believe that I sincerely regret the pain I have caused you and that you can find real happiness in your life. You are honestly the most amazing person I have ever had the privilege to know. I am so so sorry for hurting you. You didn’t deserve it.
I know you are dying to know more about me, so I will leave you will this. I was formerly a combat engineer in the Canadian Armed Forces and was seriously injured by an IED while deployed to Afghanistan. Among other injuries, I lost both legs, my genitals, fingers and was seriously burned on over 35% of my body including my face. After my injuries I seriously wanted to die. Most days I still do. You were a reprieve from the depression, anger and helplessness that I feel most days. I felt your love, however misguided it was, and it felt amazing. I don’t expect you to understand or even forgive. I just hope that at some point you find the true happiness that you truly deserve.
Ughhhhh. What do I even say. What do I even say?!
I read this email, immediately got all overwhelmed and emotional, and then thought “You know what? GOOD! This is GOOD! He is lying and clearly a sociopath! This is now confirmed and I can move on.”
But then, ughhh. Other thoughts started to creep into my mind. All signs suggest that he is lying about this. That is a crazy terrible awful thing to lie about, but you know what else is a crazy terrible awful thing to lie about? YOUR MOTHER DYING. I feel like someone who can lie about their mother dying can lie about being involved in this kind of terrible situation.
All signs suggest that he is continuing to play with my emotions, because that is pretty much the only thing you can say to lie to the extent that he did to me and not be a jerk. Because it is almost forgivable why he would do that. I can’t imagine going through that kind of trauma and what kind of person I would be afterwards. I would probably hate everything. It is absolutely horrible to think about. But it makes me less angry with him and actually feel sorry for him.
So I couldn’t help but wonder…what if this is actually true? And then I felt very bad. If it IS true, I am offended that he would think I would be so shallow to not want to talk to him because of who he really was. I’m sure it would have changed our chatting dynamic, but I think he should have been up front. Who says I can’t love someone who has no legs, genitalia, fingers, or has burn scars on their face? It wasn’t his physical appearance that lured me in at all, it was his BRAIN. It was his PERSONALITY. Personality is number one for me! I never got the chance to find out if that is something I could look past, because he wasn’t real about his situation (if he is now finally telling the truth).
And if that IS the situation, why would he not just finally tell me his real name so I could know for sure with no more questions?
But I have done some googling around (of course I have), and I feel like an accident of this magnitude would be covered in the media. Especially somewhere like New Brunswick. I could not find anything. Which leads me to believe it is not true. Regardless, it makes me wonder, so now it’s almost worse. Because now I am still wondering, and I also feel bad.
I cannot let myself get consumed by this. I just cannot. I am giving myself tonight to process this, and then I am moving on. Honestly, I feel like this may be based in truth. He may be disfigured, or just feels he is unattractive, or not worthy of love, whether this be because of a horrible accident or some other reason. This does not excuse the lies that he told me, and how he played with my emotions. But I am glad he at least offered some kind of explanation. I am going to choose to believe at least the first part of his email. And maybe that’s not true either, but I am going to believe it, and I am going to move on.
I think the lesson here is JUST BE HONEST. Just be honest! Just be who you are and own it! Because no relationship can ever be based on a lie. It is ALWAYS better to tell the truth. Just like my very favourite quote by Dr. Seuss.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
I wouldn’t have minded the truth.
But that is that. Back to your regularly scheduled (and POSITIVE) blogging tomorrow.
Update: I forgot to mention this, but THANK YOU for all of your comments! I appreciated them so much and it was so good to hear that I am not the only one to fall for something like this. Actually, that is horrible. It is horrible that anyone has ever had to go through this. But seriously thank you.
ANOTHER Update: My friend’s techy boyfriend has found the guy who has been doing this. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this information. Probably nothing. But at least I know, I have closure, and I can forget about this entire ordeal. And he has no burn scars on his face, and has never been in the Canadian Armed Forces… Clearly he is just one sick and sad puppy. I feel no sympathy. If I lived in New Brunswick I would kick him in his (apparently non-existent) genitals.