Well, since you all now know the story and are all roped into this with me, I have an update, and I think I should share it. This is why I prefer to make sure these types of situations are done before I talk about them. So I can tell the entire story once and not have it drag out for months. Hopefully this will be the last time I talk about it, because I am not going to let it consume me. Too many great things are happening in my life right now for me to concentrate on this.
Anyway, this morning I received the following email from “Chris”.
Dear Lindsey,
I’m not going to tell you who I really am and once I send this email I am going to delete this account. Also know that I would never use anything you shared with me to compromise you in any way. But I do owe you an explanation. Everything I told you about myself (other than my name of course) was once real. The photos I sent to you were as close I could find to what I once was. Every feeling I shared with you was and is still real. I do love you, more than you know, but you would never love the real me. Not now. You made me feel more alive than I have in a long time and I thank you with all my heart for that. You are everything I could have ever wanted in life but now can never have. I used you to feel good about myself and for that there is no excuse, no apology that is remotely sufficient. I am sorry to have hurt you. I let things go too far. I was greedy with my feelings for you and let you get too close. I continued this charade for so long because I was scrambling to find a way out without causing you hurt. Ultimately I failed and it made it worse. I hope you can believe that I sincerely regret the pain I have caused you and that you can find real happiness in your life. You are honestly the most amazing person I have ever had the privilege to know. I am so so sorry for hurting you. You didn’t deserve it.
I know you are dying to know more about me, so I will leave you will this. I was formerly a combat engineer in the Canadian Armed Forces and was seriously injured by an IED while deployed to Afghanistan. Among other injuries, I lost both legs, my genitals, fingers and was seriously burned on over 35% of my body including my face. After my injuries I seriously wanted to die. Most days I still do. You were a reprieve from the depression, anger and helplessness that I feel most days. I felt your love, however misguided it was, and it felt amazing. I don’t expect you to understand or even forgive. I just hope that at some point you find the true happiness that you truly deserve.
Ughhhhh. What do I even say. What do I even say?!
I read this email, immediately got all overwhelmed and emotional, and then thought “You know what? GOOD! This is GOOD! He is lying and clearly a sociopath! This is now confirmed and I can move on.”
But then, ughhh. Other thoughts started to creep into my mind. All signs suggest that he is lying about this. That is a crazy terrible awful thing to lie about, but you know what else is a crazy terrible awful thing to lie about? YOUR MOTHER DYING. I feel like someone who can lie about their mother dying can lie about being involved in this kind of terrible situation.
All signs suggest that he is continuing to play with my emotions, because that is pretty much the only thing you can say to lie to the extent that he did to me and not be a jerk. Because it is almost forgivable why he would do that. I can’t imagine going through that kind of trauma and what kind of person I would be afterwards. I would probably hate everything. It is absolutely horrible to think about. But it makes me less angry with him and actually feel sorry for him.
So I couldn’t help but wonder…what if this is actually true? And then I felt very bad. If it IS true, I am offended that he would think I would be so shallow to not want to talk to him because of who he really was. I’m sure it would have changed our chatting dynamic, but I think he should have been up front. Who says I can’t love someone who has no legs, genitalia, fingers, or has burn scars on their face? It wasn’t his physical appearance that lured me in at all, it was his BRAIN. It was his PERSONALITY. Personality is number one for me! I never got the chance to find out if that is something I could look past, because he wasn’t real about his situation (if he is now finally telling the truth).
And if that IS the situation, why would he not just finally tell me his real name so I could know for sure with no more questions?
But I have done some googling around (of course I have), and I feel like an accident of this magnitude would be covered in the media. Especially somewhere like New Brunswick. I could not find anything. Which leads me to believe it is not true. Regardless, it makes me wonder, so now it’s almost worse. Because now I am still wondering, and I also feel bad.
I cannot let myself get consumed by this. I just cannot. I am giving myself tonight to process this, and then I am moving on. Honestly, I feel like this may be based in truth. He may be disfigured, or just feels he is unattractive, or not worthy of love, whether this be because of a horrible accident or some other reason. This does not excuse the lies that he told me, and how he played with my emotions. But I am glad he at least offered some kind of explanation. I am going to choose to believe at least the first part of his email. And maybe that’s not true either, but I am going to believe it, and I am going to move on.
I think the lesson here is JUST BE HONEST. Just be honest! Just be who you are and own it! Because no relationship can ever be based on a lie. It is ALWAYS better to tell the truth. Just like my very favourite quote by Dr. Seuss.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
I wouldn’t have minded the truth.
But that is that. Back to your regularly scheduled (and POSITIVE) blogging tomorrow.
Update: I forgot to mention this, but THANK YOU for all of your comments! I appreciated them so much and it was so good to hear that I am not the only one to fall for something like this. Actually, that is horrible. It is horrible that anyone has ever had to go through this. But seriously thank you.
ANOTHER Update: My friend’s techy boyfriend has found the guy who has been doing this. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this information. Probably nothing. But at least I know, I have closure, and I can forget about this entire ordeal. And he has no burn scars on his face, and has never been in the Canadian Armed Forces… Clearly he is just one sick and sad puppy. I feel no sympathy. If I lived in New Brunswick I would kick him in his (apparently non-existent) genitals.
I call bullcrap. Seriously. Don’t even entertain the thought of feeling sorry for him. He sought you out, not the other way around, and he lied about horrible, horrible things (inventing a dead parent for sympathy/excuses is the lowest of the low). Don’t torture yourself thinking about whether this latest story (and I call it: LIE!) is true. He sent that email to you, and then deleted his account, but I guarantee that he’ll be refreshing your site every few minutes to read the comments and your replies. He wants you to feel guilty. I think he sounds like a sociopath. It’s probably for the best that he deleted his email address and you won’t be able to get in touch with him.
I can probably ask around and find out for you if there was an East Coast combat engineer who suffered the wounds that he claims to have suffered. But honestly? It’s not worth it. Because I think it’s a lie. Liars lie.
Sorry, I’m kind of ranting and raving right now…but I’m really rage-filled on your behalf.
I know, I know. I’m sure it is. I don’t know what to feel. Just overwhelmed. I seriously cannot wrap my head around any of this, it is just too much for my brain. I promise I won’t let myself dwell on it. You are probably absolutely correct. I just wish he couldn’t write so well.
And even if it IS true, it doesn’t excuse his lies. So really it doesn’t matter. He lied, he is lying, there are just so many lies.
Thanks Steph
Oh, can you spell b-u-l-l c-r-a-p??
And smell it??
Fe fi fo fum… ’cause I sure do!! -_-
It’s another load of crap. Ew..what a creep. It’s so not true. He’s just pulling off another bizarre story. And he probably IS a sociopath. In fact, this is getting creepy. Please make sure you’re safe. I seriously think this is creepy.
And that’s it…no online dating for me!! lol
I really don’t think he is violent creepy, but I guess you never know.
I will be safe, not to worry. And yeah, I’m taking a break from that as well…
The complexities of this is hard. I’m partial to feeling sorry for him and part of me believes the story and sympathizes — Because like you, I’m naive too. We’re small town people. I think it’s in our nature to believe what people tell us as fact. We’ve grown up in a world of truth, always giving people the benefit of the doubt. It’s what’s great about us, but also can be our shortfall. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Try not to reflect on scenarios and what you could have done differently. It happened and you were gracious throughout it all.
Thank you for your comment! You are so right! I just want to BELIEVE people. I did grow up in a world of truth where I could trust pretty much everyone I knew. And I wouldn’t change this about myself. I will NOT reflect on that, because I probably wouldn’t do anything differently. This is a learning experience, and I will carry the lessons moving forward.
Also, hooray for being from a small town!
if he lost his fingers, how does he type? just sayin…
Well this is another interesting thing. He told me the first time we gchatted that he typed with one finger, which at the time I didn’t believe, but would now appear to lend truth to his story…
Ugh, that’s it. I’m done. Letting this go.
Okay, in all seriousness, this guy’s behavior is reprehensible. Even if that last story was true (which I HIGHLY doubt), it’s no excuse for all the other lies he told.
That said (so that you don’t think I’m being a callous jerkwad), I *have* to tell you my theory, which is that this guy is really the stand-up comedian from the first set of dates. Any moment now, he’s going to show up and be like, “You should’ve SEEN the look on your face when I lied and said my mom was dead! Hahaha! I get to comp my Wifi if I use it for prank comedy! So, second date…?”
I hope my awful sense of humor brings you a bit of solace.
Hahaha, it did!!!! It made me laugh, thank you!
You poor thing! Of course you are torn- you are a good person and don’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that people would be doing anything but being honest when they talk. I do believe that this is not real, but do understand your frustration and anger. Take the positives in his email about how amazing you are, and move on. And when I say “move on”, I mean drink a copious amount of wine and bitch to your girlfriends.
Done and done.
UGH is right – I’m calling bullshit too. If you didn’t randomly meet on a dating site, I’d think it was someone you knew – it’s weirdly familiar to your JTT/Scott story.
RIGHT?!
Holy shit!?! What the efff is this!! Seriously this is the shit that happens in movies, I cannot believe you went through this!! Please pleaseeee move on and you WILL find someone REAL and that is honest with you. Such bizzare series of events UGH!
I know… It is alright. Crazy things happen to me all the time, I can take it.
Complexities *are hard…my bad.
Wow. It has been too long since I popped over here to read, but this post caught my eye and I had to scroll through the others to catch myself up. NO SYMPATHY! This guy basically lied to you about everything. You are beautiful, smart, and funny, and you deserve someone you can trust completely. I don’t believe anything he has to say in this letter, either. There is a way better guy out there looking for you, Lindsey <3
Char, I miss you! I will have to start re-stalking you again (but NOT in a creepy way). Thanks
Lindsey I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. There really are some terrible people out there, and like all of the other comments I believe this final excuse is yet another lie. If it were true, he could follow it up with real photos of himself (current ones and past ones of him in the army etc) instead of simply deleting his account and cutting contact. But lying about your mother dying?!?!?! Serious creep.
There were so many red flags but it is undertsandable how you would have kept looking past them in the hopes of finding a genuine lovely guy.
My work has a strong focus on scams, and much more common these days are online dating scams. Over time I have read so many amazing stories these guys (and girls) write to people who are looking for love, and the stories are so so so believable and convincing and always full of ‘emergencies’ where they need money sent to them urgently. Unfortunately some of the people who come in to my work have lost thousands and thousands of dollars, but worse is they have lost their trust in people. The scammers leave a trail of destruction behind for these people who shamefully and slowly realise their ‘love’ never even existed. These scammers are professional con artists, so do not feel embarassed for getting sucked in to his web of lies.
This creeps motivation wasn’t money so it seems he was just getting his rocks off. Yuck.
I am so sorry, please try not to let this get you down.
Elise Xo
Thanks Elise. I know, SERIOUS creep. Like the creepiest of creeps. BEYOND creepy.
Wow, you must have crazy work stories! So many people have been commenting saying something similar happened to them, and it makes me so sad. WTF is wrong with people?! DON’T. LIE. This guy needs help ASAP. Real professional help. Something is not right in his head. I just hope he doesn’t do it to someone else. And not to worry, I don’t feel embarrassed. I truly think anyone would have fallen for that, and that is another reason why this is so scary!
true or false, cut your losses and move forward. You seem like a really great person and there are honestly lots of OTHER really great people out there.
Dating is the shitty but necessary process of weeding out the unsuitables. And if you do it right, you will end up having LOTS of unsuitables because you’ll be doing your homework and finding out which ones are idiots and which are not. He’s admitted to lying about lots of stuff. There’s no reason to look any further into it than that. Whether he is also a wounded warrior convalescing somewhere and depressed is debatable. What is NOT debatable is that he IS a liar.
When given the opportunity to positively identify someone as incompatible you TAKE that opportunity and use it to move on. The hurt feelings are the down side. The positive is… you no longer are wasting any more of your time and emotion on “what if” sorts of questions.
Thanks man. Oh trust me, there have been many, many unsuitables. Many. And I know, totally with you, and when I wrote this I didn’t plan to waste another second thinking about him, do not worry. He lied. I do not get down with lying. End of story.
This is what I get for skipping to the comments instead of reading each and every line. I see the “another update”. Carry on.
Yeah…another lie or at least a probable lie. It is obvious this person cannot be trusted to tell the truth. I have a feeling he/she is getting a kick out of the attention too. People like this make me sick. IF YOU ARE READING THIS (WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE), GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.
I am glad this person is now (hopefully) going to leave you alone, Lindsey…not worth the drama.
I know, I am not writing anymore about it, because that is true. I regret posting this actually. I did not realize how sick and twisted he as, and I didn’t give myself time to process this before I said something. I probably wouldn’t have written anything about it had I waited. Oh well.
And I agree. Drama exhausts me!!!!
Wow … Don’t even know what else to say. That is some hardcore BS, great instincts on your side though.
Well Gord, you know we are skilled Googlers. It’s basically our job. I am so good at Googling I could probably WORK for Google.
So… he still has his nuts?! What the heck IS this guy thinking?! Why would you even include that in your description of yourself… if it’s not true… I don’t know where I’m going with this. It is a mess. I’m proud of you for handling it so well.
If he does he won’t for long once I get my hands on him…
Thanks Steph.
He types so well with no fingers!
I worked with a sociopath and they are just creepy individuals.
I totally thought the same thing about the fingers. And then felt bad. And then kept reading and didn’t feel bad anymore.
Don’t feel bad! I did too, but DON’T!!!!!
I feel like I just read an online dating trilogy and it was gripping! I’m so sorry this happened to you. Some people are just so sick to take advantage and manipulate someone with good intentions. I’m glad that you know who it is now. I think it would drive me crazy if I didn’t know. Again, I totally would have done the same thing. I was reading those emails thinking “this guy is amazing! And funny!” Well, I don’t really have much of a point here except that he was right about some things, you are AMAZING! And how you are processing all this is amazing too. If I ever need to find someone online, I’m knocking on your email.
I think it would have driven me crazy if I didn’t know. For sure. I’m so glad I know, even though it is creepy and it makes me feel weird. At least I’m not still wondering and feeling bad, because that was worse.
I know, it is evil that he can write those things and not mean them and not be truthful. I don’t understand how this can happen, how someone can lie SO well.
But thank you!!!!! Email me any time!
Ew. Reguardless of if it’s true or not (and sadly you’ll likely always wonder)– he’s still a bad person. Who lies about EVERYTHING like that?? Gross. And, for the record– I definitely think he’s still full of CRAP. Try to move on and let it go… you’ll never know the truth. It is what it is.
It’s not. It’s not true, 100% confirmed. He is a bad person. I’ve moved on and have let it go, not to worry. I’m good like that.
This is ridiculous and sad. I cannot believe that people actually spend/waste time preying on others that put themselves out there like you do. This guy is clearly a manipulative d-bag and he gives the rest of us a bad rep. Of course… I tend to expect the best in people and my friends jokingly call me “Pollyanna”. We all have our faults. Best of luck to you in the future.
Yep, well, bitches me crazy.
And I feel that, I am the same!
What the fuuuuuuuuck. Running of the Reeses sent me over here, and I am in shock. This is unreal! I’m SO sorry that you had to deal with something so horrible! I can’t even believe that someone would go out of their way to do this to someone else. WHAT THE FUCK!? Sorry for the swears….but really!!? Shit!
Thanks, it is okay! And no worries about the swears, I enjoy a good F-bomb.
I can’t believe it either though, I hear ya.
Lindsay, it’s been TOO long since I’ve visited your blog, so I am getting caught up. This is just crazy! I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a hurtful experience. You need to write this as a book, sell the movie rights, something. Make your own ending. hugs lady!
Thanks Elizabeth! Honestly the book thing, I know, I need to.
Hugs to YOU, and I am going to have to pop over and re-catch up on you as well!
I am also someone who clicked from Running Off The Reese’s and cannot believe your story. This douchebag will get his. I have a masters in forensic psychology and I am fascinated by this story. What most people do not realize is 99% of sociopaths or psychopaths are non-violent…. I would LOVE to talk to this guy, from his prison cell.
I know how fascinating it is, I am even fascinated by it! I do not understand how his mind works, but I do think you are right about the violence. I never got a violent impression. But, then, I am naive.
wow. they say people are getting to be more psychotic, interacting with others only from behind the privacy of the internet…or at least we’re in contact with more of them due to the ease of doing everything online that you could never pull off in person…again, not saying you should be more wary of people bc how the f does anyone meet anyone anymore… but maybe it’s just another penny in the well of getting to know the stereotypes of people who are like this. i recognize this pattern pretty well from my own fugged up experiences and my vote is ALL of it is lies, or at least so much that it really doesn’t matter what is fact and what is fiction. the truest thing you already know, which is that this (sadly) wasn’t a relationship with a real person, so oh well. in that sense it can’t be anything but over. did you let the guy with the face know someone was using it?? i wonder what he’d have to say.. not that you should spend more time on this but i’m curious
sorry, but at every turn it’s just tooo much pathos, tooo much detail. i mean come on, the legs and scars are enough..throwing in genitals and face just screams “i don’t know when to stop”!! sorry, i don’t know when to stop either. stopping now!
and hey, at least you have your genitals!
The internet can be a crazy place. But even regular non-online dates can be crazy. And people do crazy things to their spouses all the time, even if they’ve been married for years. So I guess it’s not just internet-related. The internet just makes craziness easier to hide.
I did let the guy with the face know! I feel like he deserved to. I would want to know if someone was basically pretending to be me.
And haha, at least I still have my genitals!!!! I know, WHO WRITES THAT?! Honestly.
Lindsey, I am so sorry this happened to you – I would feel so violated. What a sick jackass. I am sending you big digital hugs right now.
Thanks Kristina <3
Wow. Just wow. This is plain effed up. I can’t believe what I have read. What kind of tool does this to a person? I am so sorry this happened to you.
PS: I live in NB and will gladly kick him in his existant/non-existant genitals.
OMG this is insane. I clicked over from ROTR and didn’t expect this sort of story! Are you able to share anything more about the real person behind this? I am SO CURIOUS!
So sorry you had to go through this. I hope you still hold on to your trusting nature <3
Hey Lindsey,
I also ended up here from ROTR, and I decided to comment because this happened to me as well. Except we lived in different states and it dragged on for over a year. Over a year. Even saying it now sounds insane. I was only 19 and I fell absolutely in love with this guy. We lived many, many states apart, so he never had to worry about me finding out the truth. We talked every single day. For hours. No one had ever known me better than he did, and no one has since. And then I moved to his city to go to college (not because of him, thankfully). We lived less than 10 miles away from each other, and he refused to see me. He turned it around and made it seem like it was my fault, like his feelings had changed because of something I had done. And I was so stupid, and so in love, that I stuck around for 6 months trying to fix it so that he would meet me. It was awful and I was so young, and so silly. It ruined my first year of college. And looking back, it was so hard not to beat myself up over it after I found out, because there were so many signs. SO MANY. And I should’ve known.
I eventually had a friend look up who his phone number was registered to (why didn’t I do this sooner, why?) and it was a woman’s name. That, coupled with so much internet snooping, and I figured out that I had been talking to a woman pretending to be a man. I know it sounds weird. I can’t even explain how he (she?) pulled it off. She just told me about her life, but changed her name from Michelle to Michael and pretended she was a guy. I thought the same things that you wrote about in your post — did you think I was that superficial? I am open-minded enough that I would not have cared. The person I was in love with was 100% real – it was just a gender difference. Why didn’t he (she?) give me a chance to decide for myself? Finding this out absolutely crushed me. It’s been three years and I can sometimes still feel the way it affected me. Especially when I see that it happened to other people, and it all comes rushing back, and I realize how much damage she did to me. I never confronted her, and it still kills me to this day. There were at least 2 other girls that she did this to before me, and I wonder how many more there’s been since.
I’m sorry for the massive rant, but with watching Catfish this wound has been particularly raw lately.
I hope that you’re able to put this behind you better than I have. And just know that it’s not our fault that we choose to believe that those we interact with are decent human beings. We just need to be a little bit more careful about it.
Much love, and good luck.
This story is heartbreaking
I am so sorry this happened to you. I read it with tears in my eyes. You cannot blame yourself for this, or feel stupid for not recognizing the signs – it is not your fault this person chose to lie to you! It is THEIR fault! Hopefully you, just like I have, will take the lessons from this moving forward, but at the same time NOT lose your trust and your ability to open up to people. I understand how it still affects you though…
And seriously if you want to talk more about this email me any time. xoxo
I just want to punch the bastard in his whole face.
I didn’t read your comments but this IS your ex
FACT! I’d be willing to bet money on it
PS: there;s all those descriptive lies again….seriously if this guy IS real and that last email was true and he LOVES you then he would show you his real self and you could decide if you want to continue on……no one lies like that and then goes oops – sorry I lied. I’m burnt….oops! I’m in love with you but I don’t want a relationship because I’m the bad guy.
Seriously – here’s what I think happened. Someone (cough, your ex) got jealous that you were dating. They decided it would be a good idea to stalk your blog and got MORE jealous….then they got an idea – “hey! what if I create an account and see if I can get her to open up to me” then as things progressed they started thinking – dammit. Now I’m so far in I can’t stop. I can’t meet her….. I’d better end this.
for future reference – you have sitemeter – you need to be monitoring that WHEN something like this happens. I’d start paying attention to anyone from new brunswick or someone from where your ex lives lurking you. You totally could;ve looked at the comment of “Chris” and gone to your site meter and it would’ve told you his IP addy and everything….now it’s too late
So remember – no one can hide online. You’ve gotta be stealthy and you’ll find him!
sorry for the rant but I’ve both done this and had it done to me….random people don’t fuck with others – it’s always someone you know!
You should track him down, knock on the door, kick him in the junk and scream, “YOU KNOW WHY!!!!” and leave.
What a epic jerk!!
I wish I could ‘like’ this junk punch comment!!!
Brad Paisley, So Much Cooler Online. Boom! Let that cray cray predator dissolve away into a fun upbeat song!
Sorry to hear about the horrible experience. I am sorry you had to go through that. It is a very sick person who wants to play with people’s hearts. So sad, but I am happy you are moving on and making the best of it. You will be telling this story and you will eventually laugh about it. I say don’t lose hope. I had many experiences with online dating. Some good and some bad. But after a few years, I finally met my husband. We been married for over four years and still going well. So keep trying and of course be careful. You will find that prince charming. Love your posts and blogs. You sound so similar to me when I use to blog
Enjoy life and make the most of the lemons you are given. Happy blogging.