Adventures in Online Dating Part 3: The Guy Who Doesn’t Exist

I need to preface this with a warning. This is not a nice story and it will not be funny. It is also very long and possibly rambley. I usually like to wait to post about events that have affected me emotionally until I have processed my thoughts on them and have kind of distanced myself from the situation. That hasn’t happened yet and I am still reeling from this so my thoughts are still kind of random and may not make sense. But I have sat down to recap my weekend (I had a really good one!) and all I want to write about is this. So I am telling the story now. There are no cartoons, because as of right now, there is no way to make this funny (give me a few years, it will be funny eventually).

When I originally talked about my adventures in online dating last week, I wrote about them from a place of “I won’t have to do this again!!!” because I thought it would ultimately turn into a good experience for me. But it did not. Actually, this may be the most bizarre and crazy experience of my life (and I have had a lot of crazy experiences, so that is saying something).

Anyway, let’s get to it.

One of the first messages I got when I signed up for online dating was from a guy named Chris. He was attractive, funny, seemed genuine, and like an all around cool guy, so after a few messages back and forth, I gave him my email address (something I am normally very careful about, because once you have my email you have my name, and let the stalking begin basically).

He told me that he lived in New Brunswick, was a civil engineer, and was moving to Toronto at the end of September for work. His company had a Toronto office as well, so they were moving him here, and he had an uncle who lived in the city who he could stay with until he found his own place.

In the beginning, we emailed frequently, but he wasn’t very high on my radar because I was still going through the insane amount of messages I received and I was going on a few dates. I liked emailing him though, for sure. He was funny, nice, confident, he wrote amazingly well (perfect spelling and grammar and I LOVED the words he chose to use), and just overall seemed really awesome and GENUINE. He suggested a few times that we talk on the phone, but I am not really a phone person and I much prefer in-person or even emailing or Gchatting, so I told him we should hold off.

We frequently emailed until the weekend he was expected to arrive. I had plans all weekend, so I just told him to contact me when he was here all safe and good and we could set up a time during the week so I could show him a night out on the town.

I didn’t hear from him that weekend, so on Monday I just wrote a little check in to make sure he had a safe trip. Here was his reply:

Lindsey! Hi! I haven’t forgotten about you and apologize for not emailing you before this. These last few days haven’t gone exactly as planned. My belongings are presently in Toronto but I am not. I arrived late Saturday night only to turn around and return to Fredericton pretty much right away. My mother, aunt and cousin were involved in a car accident on Saturday while coming home from a shopping trip they were on in Maine. Another car veered into their lane to avoid a family of raccoons and they collided head on. My mom was driving at the time and according to my aunt, tried to get out of the way but couldn’t in time. As of right now the 2 of them are still in the hospital and my cousin (who was in the back) is at home. They are pretty banged up (my mom suffered a collapsed lung and was unconscious for a while among other things) but with time is expected to make a full recovery. I will be here for a few days yet as I’d like to be here for her release from hospital and her first few days home. I hate to lay all that on you but I wanted you to understand why our “eat-your-face-off” extravaganza has to be temporarily put on hold. Trust me I am very much looking forward to it being the first of many adventures for us! I should also admit I’ve been reading the hell out of your blog. It feels kinda voyeuristic but I have a hard time stopping! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your stories and your illustrations are kick-ass! You are hilariously funny, amazingly beautiful and extremely intelligent all mixed together just right. Well done to your parents! I realize this has been one long paragraph and maybe I’m rambling but I hope you will let it slide this one time.

(I am copying and pasting directly from his emails because I want you guys to understand how I was so easily and quickly lured into this man. He absolutely won me with his words.)

This was obviously a terrible thing to have happened, and I couldn’t believe the timing of it. Such a coincidence that it happened right after he left (the first of many strange ones.)

While he dealt with that situation in New Brunswick, we continued to escalate our talking. After he found my blog, the things he would say to me made me almost melt on the spot. He always had the perfect response for anything I would say to him. I began to really put effort into crafting my emails to him, and he would respond quickly and he would say all the right things. We began to have daily novel email conversations, we would gchat (IM) and somehow without even meeting him, I was falling for him.

He arranged to finally arrive in Toronto again the week after (Canadian) Thanksgiving, so mid-October. I was incredibly excited and basically cleared my schedule for the entire weekend. An excerpt from his email about it:

Not sure what is on your agenda for Friday, Saturday or Sunday (or all 3?) But try to pencil me in to your already extremely full social calendar. I have to say, I am super pumped up to see you face to face! I love the amazing sense of fun you exude. Your willingness to do goofy things and not take yourself too seriously is very attractive to me. Everything about you is actually. I haven’t been this excited/nervous in a long time. NO PRESSURE! Haha.

Jussssst winning me with words…

He was expected to arrive here Friday afternoon, and we made plans to meet for dinner on Friday evening. We didn’t set a time, he just told me he would contact me when he got here. I should also mention that he told me his phone broke that week (another weird “coincidence”) and he was going to wait until he arrived in Toronto to get a new one, since he needed a new number anyway (seemed legit). So he only had his tablet to contact me on. But as he was driving here (I think it’s about 15 hours), he would email from the road when he would stop for coffee and use free Wi-Fi. Here is the last email he sent me on Thursday:

An update for you: I am presently outside yet ANOTHER Tim Horton’s about an hour maybe outside of Montreal. I took way too long in Quebec City and am not as far along at this point in the day as I had planned. I am also getting a little tired. As such I’m thinking of hanging tough (wooooaaa ooohhhh oooohhh oooohhh oooohhh – I’ll like you more if you get that reference and don’t slam me for it) in Montreal for the night. I can leave tomorrow morning and be in Toronto by early afternoon, easy. Plus driving at night is sucky.

You should also know I have done nothing but think of you this entire drive. Do you know how many times I have looked at pictures of you today? I don’t because I have lost count. I read your amazing words and look at your fantastic beauty and I’m absolutely lost in you. This is insane! What have you done to me? I have so many feelings and emotions all at the same time for you.

Please, that you would even remotely worry about being stood up by me is insane. I’m ridiculously excited about it. I’m practically counting the hours! You think I type a lot? I’m not usually ever at a loss for words. I so look forward to you and I know I’m rambling! You stimulate every part of me and I’m not
accustomed to that.

Soo yep. I was excited. How could I not be? Also, New Kids On The Block reference? Come on now. Like I would miss that.

So Friday came, and I didn’t hear from him. He didn’t contact me at all. I emailed him around dinnertime to see what was up (because we had dinner plans), and nothing. No response. As the night wore on I started to worry. Did he change his mind? Was he in an accident? Did his tablet die and his uncle kidnap him and take him somewhere upon his arrival? I didn’t know. It was the WORST feeling, the not knowing. I was Googling accident reports. I was Googling HIM (he said he didn’t have Facebook and his name is very common so I never found anything – another red flag). I felt so stupid for sitting around and waiting. Around 9pm I went out and got a slice of pizza and carried it home in its little solo bag feeling all sad and sorry for myself. And I continued to question and over-analyze everything. I just didn’t know what to think. And I started to wonder, what if I never heard from him again? I would have no way of contacting him or ever finding out what happened. I couldn’t wonder forever.

It was driving me crazy. I wrote him another email:

Chris, what happened? Are you okay? Did you stand me up? Considering your emails that seems highly unlikely…but I don’t know what else to think. I really hope that you are alright, because I don’t know what the alternative is. Your tablet died? Your uncle has no internet? I don’t understand… Is this because I suck at math? I am so disappointed, and I feel very naive and dumb for letting myself get so excited about this. Ughhhh. Regardless of what is going on, can you please let me know that you are safe? If I never hear from you again I will always wonder.

Saturday morning, I got this email from him:

Lindsey,

My mom died in her sleep Thursday night. Apparently a blood clot traveled to her brain. I don’t understand how this could have happened. Because of her car accident? I found out Friday morning when I checked email of all things. I flew back to Fredericton. My Jeep is in Montreal. I left keys with the hotel and my friend Deek from Cornwall is going to get it. I am an orphan now at 33.  I’m sorry to stand you up/make you worry/feel naïve and dumb. I think I might love you. My head is all screwed up. I don’t know what to do here, I have to deal with “arrangements”. Again I’m sorry.

Devastating. Absolutely devastating. I felt so terrible for him. And helpless. I was so far away, I couldn’t do anything to console him. But I also felt relieved that he was okay, and he still liked me, he didn’t just stand me up, he wasn’t a jerk. I couldn’t help it. And at the same time, little feelings of doubt started to creep into my thoughts. What were the chances of this happening? How did they already know it was a blood clot that made this happen? Did he just say he thought he loved me? That is weird. But I dismissed that because I figured his head probably WAS all messed up. In my heart I couldn’t 100% believe, but how do you question someone when they tell you this? I didn’t ask questions. I just tried to comfort him as best I could with my words. On Sunday, I still couldn’t stop thinking about him and what he must be going through. I couldn’t imagine how he was dealing with it. So I made him a video. It was only two minutes long, and just me talking into my computer telling him how sorry I was to hear about his mom, and how I was here if he needed anything, I was thinking of him, and also how glad I was that HE was okay, because I had been so worried.

And here was his seemingly genuine and heartfelt response.

Dear Sweet Amazing Lindsey,
This may well have been the singlemost nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. To hear (yes hear, and your voice is almost angelic) your kind, heartfelt words made my eyes well up. How can you be so thoughtful? Especially to someone you are only getting to know. I hope you don’t mind, but I shared your video with my siblings. They too were extremely touched by your compassion. You made quite an impression on them. My mind is still a mess and I’m numb and dazed. This is so surreal. We are all leaning on each other to get through this and more family is arriving daily. I think it will take time to process once the business surrounding this all is gone. I truly appreciate you taking the time to think of me. You are an amazing woman. Please know that I carry your words with me and they are a true comfort in all of this.

And after that email I believed him.

As he dealt with the arrangements, her funeral, everything surrounding her estate, we continued to talk daily. And we finally started to talk on the phone. For hours. And it was great, and I could talk easily and openly and honestly with him and absolutely be myself. I felt like I could say anything to him. But there was one thing that bothered me. When he would call me, it was always from a blocked or private number, and of course I asked him about it and he swore he had never blocked his number. And though it was a red flag, I believed him! I assumed my phone must hate him. Because the things he would say continued to impress me. An example:

I can’t quite express how profoundly your words (YOU!) impact me. I am literally at a loss and that does not happen often. So I’m going to do my best to convey in words what my heart feels.

To start, I absolutely love you as a person. You have let me into a large part of your life through your emails and your blog and I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for you. That is important to me. The way you deal with life with positivity and humour, the friend you are to others, the friends YOU have and the way they care about you, this all says so much about you.

Second (and maybe this should be first? But the order of these isn’t important) is our ability to communicate. I can’t imagine EVER being anything but completely open and myself with you. That feels amazing. You touched upon feeling like we are on the same wavelength? I have to completely agree. I love your humour; you are freakin’ hilarious! Really! I sincerely mean that! Salad juice? For me it was olives!!! (I LOVE green olives, I used to take them every day and everyone harassed me). [He was referring to my salad blog post] Your writing, your openness, your love of treeforts (we still need to compare plans!) EVERYTHING about you!

Third, and I know these aren’t your favourite compliments (but I offer them anyway) you are absolutely beautiful! You just are and to tell you the truth it is a little intimidating. Look at you! I am a pretty confident guy and think I’m alright looking, but you are stunning.  Really, you must know that. You don’t even have to try. Done up, slobbed out, it doesn’t matter. Your smile and the way your eyes have that sincere twinkle, it totally gets me every time. Now I know you really don’t have much to do with that (it’s a product of genetics) But maaaannnnn! 

I know, it felt too good to be true. Who says that? I wondered how he could say these things to me without ever meeting me. But to be completely candid and honest here, no one has ever said anything like this to me before. I was blown away and I nearly passed out when I read that. I can’t describe the effect his words had on me, especially when he said he loved my personality, my sense of humour, the way I cared about my friends and how much they cared for me. These things are all so important to me. They are the things that I would want the person I am with to notice and appreciate. And also, he was SO GOOD with words! He had a way with words that was intoxicating to me! I couldn’t get enough!

And we talked about his mother’s funeral, and because I could be so open and honest with him, I asked him how the food was (because literally all I can remember from my grandfather’s funeral when I was 7 are the sandwiches, and I’m sorry, I know that is inappropriate). He wrote me this:

I did speak at the funeral and it went horribly. I had this whole eloquent eulogy written out but when it came time, I stumbled over my words. I write a lot better than I talk sometimes, especially when I get emotional. I cried. I don’t often. And just because I know you will appreciate this, there were these amazing sandwiches at the reception following the funeral. Even these ones with some sort of cherry (cherry?!) mixture inside. I could not bring myself to try those. But there were also the best egg salad sandwiches I can ever remember eating and I may have overdone it on those. But I was/am grieving, so I’m allowed. Like you, I also very much like food. It is my weakness. You earlier mentioned that I look different in every photo? It might be that same 20+ lbs I keep fighting off. I try and eat well and exercise regularly, but honestly, sometimes I don’t. There is just too much amazing food in this world. And while I am a big fan of team sports and can play for hours, the solo thing gets boring quick. I know you run, and I do too… But after 5K I’ve usually had enough.

Reading this nearly made me cry. I am not kidding. When he described the sandwiches and the 20+ pounds he continually fights off because he loves eating so much, I felt like he could see directly into my soul. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I could have written that myself. Actually, I probably have. I’m pretty sure he paraphrased several blog posts of mine with that. I loved that he was so open with me.

But I still had doubts. Was he still moving to Toronto? And I told him that I was worried he was too good to be true and it was hard for me to believe that someone like him existed. And here is how he responded to that:

YES, I’m moving to Toronto still and if I wasn’t I’d be moving you here. Yes, there are things I have to deal with here, but rest assured, I’ll be there. I am crazy looking forward to it (YOU)! I might need a week, maybe 2 (I hope not) to get everything arranged, but please be patient. I promise you I’m very real and I’m coming for you.

After dealing with all the drama and situations surrounding his mother’s death, he finally was ready to move here. He would tell me that things came up at work, or with selling his mom’s house, and he would have to stay a few extra days, but FINALLY last week, he was moving here. He was arriving late Thursday evening. I had my friend Corey’s birthday on Friday, and when I told him about it, he agreed to come with me. Serious props for this, because he would meet most of my best friends! I couldn’t believe he agreed to it. And this is what he said about it:

I WILL BE THERE!!! Friday night, all your friends, getting drunk, sleeping over, whatever else. I am there. You can count on it. You can pen and highlight me in. You can show me off to everyone and I will woo them like there is no tomorrow. It is slightly intimidating though I have to tell you…

Agree. Totally intimidating. I couldn’t believe he was down with that. But I was excited. I was soo overwhelmingly excited to meet him. It would be nearly three months since we had starting talking, and at this point we were basically “together”. I guess I had a boyfriend (who I had never met). He even commented on my first online dating blog.

He wrote me one last amazing email on Monday about how excited he was to see me, and then, well, that was it. Nothing. Did not hear from him after that. Now, I assumed he was busy taking care of loose ends, still without a phone, and possibly on the road. So he got a pass on the lack of communication. But considering he emailed me nearly every single day for three months, and considering the last time he was driving here he updated me from his tablet on the road, well, I just had a bad feeling.

This terrible feeling started to creep up on me, and I couldn’t shake it. I had dreams about him, that he wasn’t who he said he was, that he looked totally different. I was worrying again. I started to over-analyze the things he said. And there were the glaring red flags that kept popping up. His mom’s accident, and ultimately her death, the no phone for over a month, the blocked numbers. I started to really let myself think about the possibility that he could actually be someone messing with me. That he wasn’t who he said he was. I have seen the movie Catfish, I know the level of crazy people can possibly be. These little thoughts and doubts started to build and become overwhelming.

I wasn’t going to stand idly by while he “stood me up” again. On Thursday when I got home from work, I started to Google. I googled his name. I knew the name of his engineering firm, so I googled it with his name. I googled his email address. I tried to Google his mother’s obituary. I googled every possible thing that had anything to do with him. Nothing. I couldn’t find anything.

Eventually I remembered that little trick in Google Images, where you can upload your own photo and see if it appears somewhere online. I do it with my own cartoons to see if they’ve been used by someone without crediting me. So I uploaded all the photos he had sent me (seriously about 15 of them). Nothing came up.

But then I remembered one last photo of himself that he had sent me fairly recently. I hadn’t saved it on my computer. I uploaded it. And a match popped up.

The match was for a Facebook profile. The profile picture was the photo, the photo that he had sent me and said was him. The man whose profile it belongs to is not the same man I have been talking to for three months. They have the same first name, and they both live in New Brunswick, but the similarities end there. The Facebook man has a different last name, he lives in a different city, he writes TOTALLY differently (no punctuation). I just knew, as soon as I saw it, that it wasn’t him. I knew.

My fears were realized. He doesn’t exist. Well SOMEONE exists. SOMEONE was writing me those amazing emails. SOMEONE was having amazing phone conversations with me. Those are not things that you can fake. But he had faked who he was. So much for that screening process I was talking about. It failed me pretty huge on this one.

I felt about 30 different emotions all at the same time. Disappointment, sadness, anger, embarrassment, relief. I googled the person this photo actually belonged to, and I could find him. He actually exists. But he was not the one who was contacting me.

Things started to fall into place in my mind. He was probably never moving to Toronto. I think he probably only told me that because he knew I wouldn’t continue talking to him if we couldn’t actually meet. And he kept pushing the date of us meeting back because that obviously couldn’t happen, because that’s not his face. The jig would be up. His mother probably was never in an accident, and probably did not die. Who knows what else is a lie, but in all likelihood, his name isn’t even Chris.

I immediately went into full-on detective mode. I have a million questions, but two major ones. WHO and WHY.

Who have I been talking to? Who have I been completely opening up to these last few months? Is he a 700 pound man sitting in his parents basement crafting me these perfect emails and totally winning me over with his words? Is he married and just looking for an emotional affair? Is he a serial killer? I don’t fear for my safety. According to my blog stats (yes, I can reverse stalk you “Chris”), he does live in New Brunswick, and he does not know my address. But you know what? A week ago I would have given it to him. I would have invited him over to my apartment without meeting him first. That was basically the plan for Friday. That is how much I trusted him. I would have given him my spare key. I would have let him borrow a knife to stab me with.

And why? WHY?! Why did he feel the need to lie about who he was, and what did he gain from doing this? He never asked for money. We never even TALKED about money. Honestly, what was the POINT in all of this? Did he get off luring me in and playing with my emotions? I just cannot understand why he would go to such great lengths to convince me, and put so much effort into this if it wasn’t real. And is he doing it to other people?

I have many, many theories, but my number one is that he is married, he is Facebook friends with this real Chris, stole his photos, and kind of stole his identity (same job, same age). It looks as though he just changed minor details.

I will be the first person to tell you that I am naive. I just am, and you know what? I’m proud of it. If I wasn’t, I would be a different person. I would be skeptical, and maybe things of this magnitude wouldn’t happen to me, but I can’t go through life questioning what people tell me and what their motives are. And I don’t think I fell for this because I am naive. You read over those amazing words and tell me you wouldn’t believe him. I would like to believe that people are inherently good, and wouldn’t lie to me or mess with my emotions for no reason. But of course, this has taught me a few lessons.

Don’t take things at face value. And trust your gut instinct. I had a “feeling” when he told me his mother died. But I didn’t question. Because how do you question that? That is uncomfortable and insensitive. What would I have said? “Hey, send me your mother’s obituary please! I don’t believe you!” But if I had questioned, would I have found out the truth earlier? I don’t know.

Ultimately I feel like if something doesn’t feel right, or it feels too good to be true, or if you are not sure someone is who they say they are, it’s probably NOT right, it probably IS too good to be true, and that person is probably NOT who they say they are. And in those situations, you question. Even if it is uncomfortable. You question. Because you have to know.

But I am not going to change the way I live my life because some lying idiot has done this. Besides making me want to hunt him down and find out exactly who he is (and I will), this will not affect me. I refuse to let myself be sad about this. I will not mourn the loss of someone who tricked me and lied to me. It’s not worth my time.

Luckily I have really amazing friends who have allowed me to vent to them and talk this through for hours. My friend Hannah came over with tequila on Thursday night right after I discovered this, and though I can’t drink tequila on a week night, I really appreciated the thought and her company. I went to the party on Friday night (that he was supposed to come with me to), and I got smashed, and I had a really good time. I went out for a food-fest and beer with my friend Catherine on Saturday. I volunteered in the Grey Cup fan march parade yesterday with my good friends Emily and Joanna. This will NOT affect my life. Things are good, they will continue to be good, and this sketchy jerk is not going to ruin that for me.

But still, I read his words now and wonder how this could not be real. How could he lie about his mother’s eulogy and SANDWICHES? A part of me still hopes that this is some kind of misunderstanding. But I don’t think that is possible. I have thought about every explanation, and they all point to “Chris” being a liar. There is no way around it.

I waited until Friday evening to see if he would contact me on his own, and be all “I’m HERE!!!! Let’s meet up!” but of course he didn’t (I wonder what his excuse would have been this time?) So then I confronted him. I sent him a huge email expressing my frustrations and asking him his motives behind doing this. Basically a shorter version of this blog post without the back story behind it. I haven’t heard from him, and I don’t expect to.

But “Chris”, I know you will read this. You won’t be able to help yourself. You have read everything I’ve ever written. And like a serial killer returning to his own crime scene, you won’t be able to stay away. So know this: you are not a good person. Karma is a bitch, and it is not going to be kind to you. Also, in my last email to you BEFORE I discovered you lied, I closed it with this:

PS – If you don’t exist or if you have been effing with me this entire time, I will personally hunt you down and punch you in the face.

And I was not kidding. I would suggest you watch out.

(Note: I am sorry this is so long. I have told you this story in all its crazy long detail because I think it’s important you know how it happened and read his words. Otherwise, if I were to shorten it, if I were to say “I met this guy online, but he didn’t live here yet, but he was moving here, but then his mom was in an accident so he didn’t, and then the next time he was moving here his mom died so it got pushed back again…and he called me from a blocked number. But he told me he loved me!” I think you would question how I could fall for this. Without the little details, you wouldn’t understand why I believed and had faith in him. And I did. I really, really did.)

UPDATE: I ended up finding the guy who was doing this. I had his IP address since he commented on my blog and my friend’s super techy boyfriend was able to track down “Chris” (I actually had three IP addresses for him, and they all lead to the same guy). I found his Facebook, Twitter, and also a blog that he had written a while ago. Nothing he told me was even remotely true. He’s about 10 years younger than he said, lives at home with his parents, who are very much alive, in New Brunswick, and as far as I can tell he does nothing but internet gaming/programming all day long. And possibly continuing to lure in people like me. Not married as I originally thought. But I did also find a blog post that he wrote that said he needed to “take a break from the internet because it is making me to unchristian things” (his exact words), so… that’s super creepy. And yes I feel violated… I did confront him, and so did the real Chris whose photos were being used (I talked to him and he said his FB was public a few years ago), and he did not respond to either of us. I’m glad that at least he knows that I know. Thanks for all your comments!

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106 responses to “Adventures in Online Dating Part 3: The Guy Who Doesn’t Exist

  1. Something similar happened to me, and it wasn’t until the person died (yes, died) that I found out, at their funeral, that who they were was not who they said they were.

    I’m sorry this happened to you, birthday twin. You deserve someone honest and real, not to be jerked around like this.

  2. Some people just suck. I’m so sorry – I got a sick feeling in my stomach as I started reading, knowing it wasn’t going to end well. You weren’t naive to believe his words — hell, I was believing them! I think all your readers should get a fund together for you — first to hire a PI to find him (or just pay one of those online places) and then for you to go smack him! Hugs to you.

  3. I’m saddened to hear that this date was was a manipulative, dishonest, jerk who has psychological issues with him. I hope that you can find a way to really find out who the guy is setting you up. One way of finding out is tracing back his IP internet address and find out where he really lives. Perhaps contacting the hacking group Anonymous group. (‘m kidding) I know and hope that you will find that special person. :)

  4. I’m feeling all Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers about this.. “I’ll find youuuuu”. I have no doubt that the people of the internet and the community you’ve created here on your blog will help you find this dickbag…self included. It’s on like Donkey Kong, friend.

  5. Some people just get their rocks off screwing with other people’s emotions. That’s the only explanation I can think of.

    I got scared off of online dating due to my friend’s experience. He hadn’t come out of the closet to his family, but he was dating. He met a guy online, they spoke on the phone a few times and then the guy threatened to out him. “Pay me $$$ or I will tell your family your secret!” My friend didn’t give in and fortunately, was never contacted again.

  6. I got chills while reading this. What a skeeze. Are you going to continue the online dating or has this ruined it for you?

  7. I’m so sorry you have had this experience! What a sick and twisted guy. I hope he gets what is coming to him. I know you know that not all online dating is like this and there are honest and wonderful guys out there. It’s guys like him who ruin online dating for all the normal people out there. Hang in there. See you next weekend! xoxoxox

    • Thanks Lexy my love. I know, again, of course this happens to me. Plenty of people go online and meet great people and in your case, the person you end up marrying. But ohhhhh no, not me. I of course have the craziest experience ever. This WOULD happen to me.
      I WILL see you next weekend, and it will be amazing!

  8. …wow. I’m so sorry, Lindsey. Like the other girls, I got a sick feeling while reading this. I completely understand how you “fell” for it, and I’m really sorry. This is horrible.

    I’m glad you’ve resolved to LIVE your life and not let this affect you.

  9. The internet be whack. End of story. Love you Buzz.

  10. Buzz is thinking of you too :(. I picture a 800 lb man eating butterfingers in his basement too. He could also be in prison…you are better off without him!!!

  11. Total crap Linds. Similar things have happened to me and it feels terrible. It got to the point that I wanted to meet these people after two emails because I wanted to confirm their existence. Oh and men always lie about their height by two inches if they are under six feet tall.

  12. This story is so scary! But it really does make you wonder, who on earth has this much time to devote to just messing with people? Hours of phone conversations? Lengthy emails every day? That’s just such a time investment, and for what??

  13. Sicko dicko, that’s what he is.

  14. Oh babycakes, I am so so sorry this happened to you. I’ve been there. Believe me I’ve been there. You have the right attitude; don’t stop living and trying new things and meeting new people. They’re not all liars. I do secretly hope you get the chance to kick him in the shins though!

  15. WHUCK? I’m so sorry Lindsey. As a fellow online dater, I’ve encountered a few guys like this. You correspond with them (and since you’re a writer like me, I know we both appreciate a well-written message. Seriously–I’ve fallen for guys just because they have writing skills.) You kinda have to take guys like this with a grain of salt. I know you invested a lot of time in him (believe me, I know), but the internet makes for such easy anonymity that all the freaks and lonely weirdos can come out and take advantage. It can be incredibly frustrating, but you have to look at it as a learning experience, and now you’ll know to ALWAYS trust your gut. We have our instincts for a reason–don’t ignore them. And if you ever find him, give me a call and we can totally tag team him, metal folding chair style.

    • I SO appreciate a well-written message!!!! Maybe I should start appreciating the illiteracy. I just hate to think that someone who can write SO WELL can be SO CRAZY. It’s not fair! Insane people and liars should not be able to write so well!
      Exactly, trust your gut!
      Hahahaha, I will let you know, and thank you for the offer!

      • This is funny you say that. I am EXACTLY like you in that I absolutely despise seeing a poorly written email, profile, etc etc. Misspellings and poor grammar are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.

        Shockingly my husband (that I met on Yahoo Personals back in the day) is HORRIBLE at spelling and punctuation. And the proper use of paragraphs, forget about it! I saw his poorly written profile and almost passed it by but something in me made me reply and I am so glad I did! That had to be divine intervention, seriously!

        I had to make myself overlook the bad writing and grammar and when I did I found the man of my dreams. Sometimes it pays to stay openminded and realize that just because someone may not be the best at writing it doesn’t mean you have to necessarily “write them off”.

        That said, hubby’s writing still gets on my last nerve and I am constantly trying to correct him to no avail. :-)

        I cannot wait to read your blog one day and read that you found “The One”. He will be hilarious, honest and handsome, I know it!

      • Alright, well good to know! Perhaps illiteracy should start being my number one quality.

  16. Oh man, I’m sorry that such a crappy thing happened to you. Seriously, what a d-bag.

    Something similar happened to me when I was a teenage (good old days of ICQ dating) and it’s really tough not to beat yourself up and wonder why you didn’t catch on sooner. People who are into this sort of thing are really GOOD at what they do and invest a lot of (sick) time and energy into becoming exactly who you want them to be. So happy to hear you aren’t letting it impact your life!

  17. What a complete scumbag. You are so right about Karma coming after him, though! He best beware!

    I had something similar happen to me. It was someone I met online also. He was such a charmer, just like “Chris”. He was “real” but ended up to be NOT a good person. I had a LOT of those “uneasy” feelings you mentioned but I constantly pushed them aside and believed him when he told me I was being paranoid. Long story short, I let this sleaze into my life and he lied, lied and lied some more. It did not end well, I will just say that. (It is a really long story that involves theft of money, etc..) I thank God that your contact with “Chris” ended when it did and he did not have a chance to physically infiltrate your life.

    It is hard to understand why things like this happen, I took my situation as a very hard life lesson. I am happy to hear you are determined not to let this jerk change who you are.

    This is turning into a novel (sorry!) but I just have to add…I did some online dating about a year after this sociopath situation. Through the online dating experience I met my wonderful husband. We have been married 5 years now and have 2 beautiful kids. It is just a testament to the fact that there actually ARE good men on the dating sites, you just have to do a lot of “weeding” to find the one meant for you.

    Good luck to you and don’t spend too much time on trying to track this douchebag down, it really is not worth your time. I am of the same thinking…he is a lonely, fat, creepy old man living in a dark basement somewhere. Karma WILL take care of the payback, it never fails.

    Hugs to you!
    Melissa

    • You’re so right about that dick not being worth her time! Plus he might even be potentially dangerous.

      Much love, Lindsey !!

    • I am so sorry you had to go through that. Emotional deceit is one thing, but THEFT? I can’t imagine. No worries about the novel! I am glad for your comment, it made me feel better. And I am so glad you ultimately had a good experience!
      You nailed it with sociopath for sure. That is exactly the word that comes to mind.
      And I will not! I am giving myself one more day to process this and then I am moving on. You are right, karma will get him!

  18. Wow, hun, I’m so sorry to hear about that. Even though I don’t know you in real life, I’ve come to enjoy your blog and have always thought you sounded like a fun and sweet person.

    You know, I’ve had so many bizarre, stupid, hurtful experiences dating (actually, just had one that ended last week, where the dude suddenly dissappeared on me…after HE had been the one texting, calling to hang out, etc…), and I too have often wondered if maybe I was stupid in being so naive. But…I guess that being innocent is not necessarily a bad thing. The only problem is that it CAN be easier to mess with people like us. I guess they feel we’re an easier target. But fuck them. lol ;)

    Anyway, I wouldn’t change the way you are. Innocence is not the same thing as stupidity. Like you said, you’re very careful about who you give your phone number or email too. It’s just that said dick was an expert con man. He’s probably done this to other amazing girls too.

    Anyway, who know why he did this. I know that wondering about “the WHY”, kills you, but I seriously doubt we will ever understand why sick people do sick things. If you did understand, that probably means your sick too! So…it’s probably a good thing you can’t understand!!

    Not that words help but… I just wanted to let you know you’re not a fool for believing him.

    Much love, and I’m sending you a big hug, girl!!

    p.s. Btw, this is Alejandra, from Musings in Red. I’ve split my old blog into two: an inspirational blog, “Parasol Dreams”, and THIS book review blog. The only reason I’m bothering you with this is that I wanted you to know I hadn’t abandoned your blog. lol Um…not that it matters I suppose. But…yeah…just wanted you to know that I still read you, and that I was sorry about what happened.

    • I recognized your name, so not to worry! Congrats on the new blog, I will have to check it out! I am sorry about your experiences. And you are correct. Innocence is NOT the same as stupidity! You are also bang-on on the never being able to understand. I will never understand how someone could be so selfish. But, it is an experience, and I will certainly learn from it.
      Thank you for the comment!

      • Woot, woot!! You remembered my name??

        Sigh..I can die happy now! :D hehe

        Also, just noticed the insane amount of typos I left in the last post. That’s usually what happens when I type super ultra fast and don’t take the time to READ back what I just wrote. I guess you could never date me. I mean, what with you discussed in the last post and all ;)

        p.s. This was meant to come across as funny-cheer-up-your-day- type of thing. Not creepy. Hopefully I did it right!

  19. What a bucket of garbage. :( I’m sorry this happened to you. It happened to my sister-in-law too…except that guy DID end up asking for money, months after they started emailing. She was utterly heartbroken to realize that he was a con artist.

    Don’t feel stupid. People like this…they have no empathy. They prey on people who are kind and trusting. But it’s much better to go through life kind and trusting than jaded and cynical.

    I totally want to punch him now. :(

    • This is horrible. I would like to think that asking for money would be a HUGE red flag and I would never fall for it…but if he was asking me in a well written way while telling me how amazing I am? Well who knows.
      I definitely do not feel stupid, so no worries. That is it, the no empathy. I have too much of it, but I totally agree!

  20. A very similar thing happened to one of my best friends. A guy contacted him out of the blue on facebook, and they developed a 6-month relationship. This guy was supposedly living abroad, but eventually they talked every day on the phone for hours, constantly texted, said I love yous, etc. They even talked about possibly moving in together in the future. Looking back there were always warning signs that something was up (parts of his “life story” not adding up, not friending on facebook) but it seemed too weird that someone would spend hours on the phone for a scam. Then it came time for this guy to fly to NYC to meet my friend, and my friend was so excited and bought him loads of personalized gifts.

    Then the excuses started – first he got “malaria,” then he had a family emergency, then he was “too tired.” The weird thing is that he’d tell my friend he was staying at certain hotels, and when my friend called the hotel to check they’d say that someone by that name booked a room but never showed up – and were therefore charged pretty large cancellation fees on their credit card. Finally my friend showed up at this guy’s supposed apartment in NYC (while I was on the phone panicking he was going to get murdered) and it turns out this guy’s address was for a floor of a building that wasn’t even finished yet – all while the guy claimed to have been at his apartment on the phone with his mom for a family emergency or something. My friend confronted the guy on his lies and the guy somehow turned it around on him and “broke up” with him, never to be heard from again.

    It’s all very odd and I honestly can’t understand the motivation. The scammer never asked for money or anything of that nature. Our thought was that maybe this is someone who is publicly straight and this was his way of having a gay relationship in private, but it’s all very strange. My friend was very upset – he’d been telling everyone this was his boyfriend and they’d grown quite close talking on the phone every day. Then all the sudden it was just over with not much of an explanation.

    Sorry for the novel – just wanted to let you know that this strangely happens to other people too. Chin up.

    • This is a horrible, horrible story. Your poor friend. I hope he has learned the same lesson as I did. NO relationship until I am SURE the person exists. it is so easy to be lured in and then fall for excuses. People are effed.
      No worries about the novel, these stories are so interesting! Weird and horrible for sure, but also definitely interesting.

  21. wow. that’s all I can say is wow. I thought my guy was creepy, but this guy? Sheesh!! Its probably best that you DIDN’T meet him ever b/c seriously who knows what kind of crazy he really is.
    I agree with one of the commenters before me who said the thing about meeting people right away. I learned that the first time I tried online dating which was like 8 years ago…this guy and I emailed for like three months b/c (you know) I wanted to get to know him. We shared AMAZING emails, seriously THE BEST. Then we met for dinner and within 5 minutes I KNEW I would never see him again. I felt so jipped. Like I had wasted SO MUCH time. I was like “i get it now, I get why people want to meet up right away.” You can just tell so much more in person. For what its worth, I highly value proper spelling and grammar and Paul can’t spell (or really write for that matter) worth a crap. And he is the love of my life. So yeah…its just weird. ;-) Much love and I know he’s out there! (not the creep, your awesome dude)

    • I now know who he is, so I know the crazy he is, except I don’t because I can’t understand it. He needs help ASAP. Like serious professional help. And I don’t think he should be allowed on the internet.

      I hear ya, and I will never do it again! It’s all about the quick meetings, because you need to KNOW.

  22. Oh my God. So I didn’t read this in order, but I feel sick to my stomach. I truly don’t understand why someone would put in so much time and effort only to pathologically lie about pretty much everything. I literally could feel your gut wrenching! And I still had some hope that he would just show up! I feel so disappointed for you, because I, too appreciate how important the conversation aspect of a relationship is. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

  23. Ohh my gosh. I read the first two dating posts before getting to this one, and those were hilarious..absolutely gut wrenching. This one..not so much. I literally JUST watched catfish two nights ago and before you even made the reference that is EXACTLY what came to mind! I am SO sorry you went through this, what a douche!! I am off to read the update on the next post…

  24. So… I have taken a stab at internet dating and seriously, bad. There is the crazy guy that on the first date bought me $50 to Victoria secret and bought a set of sheets for each of my kids… UM, no stalker.. You cannot come back. Or the guy that met me on a bike at a park with 2 – 40 oz beers in his backpack wondering if I wanted to share or wanted my own… I have kept hope that there is someone out there worth my time and energy. For now I am trying my hardest to be content… I am so glad my friend turned me on to your blog. High five to being crazy free!

  25. This is intense reading. I just got sucked in to both posts while at work, shut my door, leave me alone. I can’t believe you finally learned who it is….and I’m guessing it is all just sick business, and that there is no real reason to be “shy” or afraid of meeting in person. Goodness. How does someone become so, so terrible and creepy? Put that command over the written word to GOOD USE.

    • I can’t believe it either. It’s very hard to connect his words with this new face, but…welp. And yep, you got it. He looks like he spends ALL DAY LONG on the internet computer programming (and messing with people) and has no friends. And seriously! How can someone who is so terrible and creepy be that good at writing? I will never understand, and it is not fair. He needs to be illiterate. If he couldn’t write, this never would have happened!

  26. You know, it’s weird. In the emails before you ever started talking, I thought, “he is way to complimentary for me.” Guys like that are a total turn off for me because they’re either desperate or clingy. I didn’t consider fake. But I’m one of those glass half empty people, so that’s probably why I think that way.
    I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m sorry he wasted your time. Just know, that even though “Chris” isn’t real, everything he said about you in his emails was totally true. You are gorgeous and amazing. <3

    • I know Paula, you are right!!!! When I first read them, they were too complimentary! In my head I was like “Stop, stop, this is too much, I can’t take it!” But he kind of eased into it, and they got progressively MORE complimentary, and then I started to like it. I know what you mean though, I like compliments, but I do NOT LIKE CHEESE.

  27. Holy effing hell Lindsey!! You know what? I would have done exactly as you did. Absolutely. I have fallen hard online. I have travelled to meet someone (twice) and I ended up heartbroken and really felt like I fell in love with a lie. I have taken an extremely long break from online dating because for myself, it requires a certain level of energy and resilience that i just don’t have back yet. This post was so well-written (as usual) and explained. I was with you the whole way.

    • Well just know that I am with you, friend. I totally understand how that can happen, because it is REALLY easy to win me with words. Because I have a hard time not falling for a well-constructed email, I am going to have to be VERY careful in the future.
      And yes, energy and resilience FOR SURE! Thanks Michelle, and as other people have stated, not EVERYONE online is creepy (you and I aren’t, right?), so I hope you can get back in the saddle someday. But I feel you on this, I will be taking at least a break from this. I can’t handle any more craziness right now.

  28. WOWZA! What a freaking creep! I’m so sorry!!! I would have likely fallen for it too. I actually met my husband on an online dating site, so it does work and there are non-assholes out there on them… but, damn! That 1 guy really, really, reallllllly gives the whole thing a BAD rap. Bleah. I’m disgusted for you! Good for you for writing this and emailing the jerk!

    • Haha, yes, yes he sure does give it a bad rap. But I know, it does work out. You cannot blame the medium, you have to blame the super creeps who ruin it for everyone.
      This creep will get what’s coming to him!!! I hope he cries himself to sleep tonight!

  29. Oh my goodness – my good girlfriend went through almost the exact same thing last year – this sounds so creepily similar that I sent her the link and told her to read it and to contact you if it’s the same person! (She lives outside of Toronto too). So sorry that you went through this – good job getting in front of this all and writing about your experiences, hopefully it can help others.

  30. Pbfingers led me here! It’s nice to read the blog of a fellow Torontonian :)

    Put my studying on hold to read this entire story, and although I know it must have been a horrible experience for you, I’m glad you posted it. It’s a good warning for women (like myself) trying to navigate the dating world. The part that especially creeped me out was that this guy had phone conversations with you… I just couldn’t imagine going through something like this, and I’m glad you feel strong coming out of it!
    It sounds like you have a great support system in your friends.

    In conclusion,

  31. Found your blog on Running Off the Reeses…You’re hilarious!

    Had to comment on your situation though…TOTALLY SUCKS! Happened to me as well :( Damn you, online dating! Met a guy, dated for 6 months, he got “deployed”, waited for him for a year (!!!!) while he was busy getting someone pregnant and getting married. What?! Yeah, I bought a house for this individual and myself! My first house! We talked all the time during this faux deployment about marriage and our “life” together. Jerk.

    You’re totally better off without this one. Not a winner!

    • Awww, that is awful. I am so sorry to hear that. And I am so thankful I was not that invested in this situation. Three months is nothing compared to that. And I can’t believe that about the house! Damn.
      No, NOT a winner at ALL. The FURTHEST thing from a winner. In fact, the biggest LOSER of all time. So glad I am just out of the situation and all is good.

  32. WTF!?! I truly applaud you for telling your story. This is wild & I’m so sorry that it happened to you. Don’t be hard on yourself for not seeing this coming, we get jaded by feelings when someone likes us, it’s happened to me. I dated a guy for over a year who apparently had about 6 other women on the side. Lovely. Hang in there & let me know if you need help punching this douche in the face!

    • Thank you, it needed to be told!
      Not to worry, I am not hard on myself. Truly I feel like anyone would fall for this. He was so damn convincing.
      And shit. That isn’t cool either. Ugh, MEN!!!!!
      Thanks for the offer, and I absolutely will!

  33. Oh my god! I don’t even know what to say! I mean, I have basically become an unofficial stalker of yours in the last hour because you’re freaking awesome…but holy crap!

    I guess all I can say is that I hope two things for you:
    1) That you will be more cautious in the future (online dating has — for sure — taught me that…) Maybe it’s a “bad” thing, but I really never get excited about someone until the second date now. Maybe it’s my problem and why I’m still single…but it also is excellent for self-preservation. Which I think can sometimes be more important. Be cautiously optimistic…but cautious nonetheless.

    2) DON’T LOSE THE SPARK and don’t give up! This guy is a total shit (as many of them are….) However… I just attended a wedding two weekends ago for one of my amazing friends who met an amazing man on Match. She was alone for many years, but they met, and they are perfect for eachother, and they are deliriously happy.

    So I wish for you what I also wish for myself…be totally badass and independent and don’t take crap from anyone…but also have the glimmer of hope and romanticism that this can still “work”. Offline or online.

    And — hey — at the very least now you have a new fan in me out of this. So there’s a bonus! :)

    • Hello new stalker! Do you exist?! I am totally okay with you being my new fan if you exist. A-okay with me.

      Oh I will be more cautious. I will be more cautious and a half. I will have to learn to table my excitement. Self-preservation is really not my strong point, because I tend to get all wrapped up in things and jump right in, and then when things don’t work out I have to deal with it. However, this kind of does work for me, because I seem to be okay at the dealing with it part. I don’t know. But if you have any advice on how to not get excited I am all ears…

      I will NOT lose the spark. This douchebag will NEVER take my sparkle. I know everything will work out, it always does! I am the same person I was before this happened. Just sliiiiiightly more cautious and have a little more experience. Badass independent but still hopeful and romantic. Check.

      • Meri @ Run, MeriG. Run.

        I’ve learned that nothing really good comes of NOT meeting up pretty quickly since the email/text/computer-y stage of things. Too busy? Shit goin’ on in your life that’s delaying? In his? Timing just ain’t right and move on. This not only helps weed out people that probably are not going to fit into your lifestyle ANYWAY but it more importantly allows you to not build them up beforehand. If you just set a date and meet up (relatively) quickly, you won’t really need to worry about getting too excited or not. Not enough time! Connect, meet, decide if you wanna meet again. Boom boom boom. It might seem cold or whatever, but I have found it to preserve sanity (and your schedule!) Again I’m nooooo expert (I’m a disaster in fact!) but I’m a happy disaster. :)

  34. You have to see the documentary Catfish – seriously! It’s your story!

  35. What a completely awful person! I have a horrific online dating turned real dating story I could share but it’s awful. I am right with everyone else — I am in on punching this person square in the face..repeatedly.

  36. dude, that is fucked up. i’m glad you posted the whole sordid story, bc you’re right, it is in the details. i saw that there is an epilogue so i’m headed there to see wtf happened after, but just wanted to say, i think you’re totally right in trying not to let these things steal your optimism, “naivete”, or trust…don’t let it make you defensive either. you don’t have to explain away why you trusted someone who turned out to be untrustworthy–that’s a credit to you and not your fault. it’s too easy to blame the victim and insist that we should all be “savvier”- but hindsight is 20/20… *because* it’s hindsight! you gave your best with an open heart and mind, which is exactly the skill you’ll need in a real relationship…that doesn’t make you “more” vulnerable to creeps, just more resilient when they come. creeps are out there. that’s their problem, not yours. water will eventually find its own level.. keep on keepin on and i’m so sorry! thanks for sharing ;)

    • No, no way! There are WAY too many amazing people in this world to let one jackass steal my optimism and trust. No. This loser gets nothing from me. You wrote this perfectly, that is exactly what I think and was trying to get across!!! Thank you!

  37. A friend of mine once got a photo of me, from a girl he was chatting with, in the same situation as you. They had been talking and emailing forever but she would never exchange photos or fall through with meeting for one reason or another. Eventually, he wore her down and she sent him a photo (of me.) So when he got the photo he was like WTF? (Because he knew me in person, and knew that was a photo of me). He sent it to me and was like “so apparently the love of my life is you…” I have NO idea who she was, or how she got a photo of me, or why people would even waste time doing stuff like this …and that is why the interwebz scare the shit out of me. Dickholes. Don’t worry, there’s nothing you can do to them that they aren’t already doing to themselves. Karma is a bitch. Sorry for your disappointment – don’t give up on Mr. Wonderful – he’s out there, the sooner the duds move out of the way, the quicker you’ll be able to find him! Good luck! <3

  38. I just came over from running off the reese’s…. What a crazy story. This same sort of thing happened to my best friend. Except he was a pro surfer from CA and moving to her town to open a soccer club that he was building. They spent HOURS on the phone and would spend her pictures. Turns out he was stealing pictures from another guy on FB with the same first name. What a creep. I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you and I truly hope you are able to get to the bottom of it! Stay positive.

  39. Hey so Catherine let me know about your story and led me to your blog. Though this story brought me here I am excited to read your other blogs as well! Anyway I just don’t want you to loose sight of the fact that there are other men out there who are as equally as sweet, caring and understanding who aren’t fake. It’s sad to think this day in age that if a guy is amazing we think it’s to good to be true and in this case it was ha ha ha. But don’t give this guy the pleasure of closing yourself off from other experiences be them online or not just because he mind fucked you. It’s bad enough he put you through such an emotional roller coaster at the time but the fact he’s still getting to you will make him revel in it even more. If I were going to take anything positive from this fucked up experience it would be the fact that he made you more aware of what your looking for in a man. By opening your eyes to to how sweet he could be you now have a higher standard when it comes to dating and won’t date someone who doesn’t hold you with such high regard. Maybe you’ve been selling yourself short this whole time and are now becoming more aware of just how amazing you really are. PS I remember one time at Dairy Queen when you Amanda and Catherine were working and a man pulled into the drive thru and you said ” Omg the creepiest man just pulled into the drive thru” and I said ” Yup that’s my dad!!!” Anyway I think that was with you! Still when of my FAV DQ moments and I still laugh aloud about it now. PPS My dad is creepy

    • Hahahaha Meghan, that made me laugh so hard. Seriously I baha’d out loud in bed. I remember that!!!! haha, I so remember that happening. I’m sorry your dad is creepy.

      Anyway, the rest of what you said is bang-on. I agree with everything. I know there are sweet men out there, who are actually REAL! And many, many things over the past couple of years have really made me aware of what I am looking for, this is just another one. Thanks for commenting!!! I miss the DQ days!

  40. This thing – this EXACT. THING. – happened to me three years ago. PLEASE email me so I can tell you in full. This is so on point with my experience a friend who reads your blog forwarded me this entry today and said I HAD to read this & respond to you. Trust me. You aren’t alone. And you aren’t crazy.

  41. This is CRAZY. I can’t help but feel that you dodged a bullet for sure. Who does this?!

  42. Hey Lindsay…. does my story sound eerily familiar to you??? I think we got hit with the same creep…. read on as our details parallel in an uncanny way….

    Update on the following post at bottom: IMPORTANT!!!

    Good morning everyone!! The reason for the post today is to reach out to as many people as I can to help them become more aware of the danger signs of a manipulator… more specifically of the emotional kind. A psycopath if you will…..

    I had someone enter my life recently that seemed perfect.. too perfect in fact. The only reason that I was
    able to spot this behaviour before it got me into trouble is that I have an uncanny sense for detail and a very reliable intuition. In fact, it was my intuition that brought me to taking action to the details. Something just was not right and was forced to take a big look at the overall picture then break it right down to the subtle specific.

    You hear stories all the time about women and men “looking back” and finding that all the signs were there. It’s true people. I’ll say again, if you remove emotion, need and want from the equation, those indicators are very clear. As the old adage goes, if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

    I’m going to start listing some of the patterns and details that I noticed and some are beyond underhanded in my books. I’m not a psychologist or any doctor of mental health but I have a logic about me that was most likely my saving grace in the end. Chances are, you’ll also be able to relate to some or all of these facets. Do what you want with the information but if I can help just one person by posting this, it was well worth my while.

    I had ‘met’ Mister X via facebook. He had common friends of people I actually knew and had met before. The first thing that should have tipped me off was the fact that it was only women on his page but seeing as I literally knew some of these girls I took it that they knew him personally. Why, he even worked out at their gyms. I did find his page set up as odd but when we started talking it was a detail that slowly got dismissed. I was already in a relationship at that time and he knew that. We talked off and on for a few months maybe once a week and seemed harmless enough. He asked me fitness tips, talked about his goal to compete, yada yada yada. Our first ‘common’ link so to speak.

    We started talking more and more frequently to the point where he was texting me everyday. Especially first thing in the morning. “Morning! Thinking of you and what a wonderful person you are :)”, “Thinking of you, hope you have a good day”, etc. Now, I’m not a mushy person but after hearing it every day I had almost come to expect it. Sadly, it was the first thing I did in the morning to start my day. Sounds pathetic, right?!? Or does it sound like just what every girl/guy wants? Someone that actually cares for you as a person? The feeling that someone thinks about you all the time? Go ahead, say no, but I think you’re lying to yourself.

    We talked for months. He spoke of his father. They were the best of friends, his idol, his icon, his strength. A real family man if you will. “He would like you. If we got married you’d be Misses Y” “What? I thought your name was Mister X?” “That is my father’s last name. In my province we can choose the last name of our father or mother” “hmm, ok… it is an odd province so nothing surpirise me there ha ha” He has brother, two sisters, mom… He had a previous relationship of 18 years, never married, no kids. His relationship ended when she cheated on him with his best friend. A devastating moment in his life. Asked her every year to marry him but she always said that it was just a piece of paper. He spoke of other women that he had tried dating but they all wanted money from him, some for a vacation, some for competition fees and suits, some for help with their family. He was not going to used and put his foot down. He owned his own construction business. Born and raised in the city where he was. Dad was french, mom was english. Went to an English school (his spelling was atrocious, btw, for an man education in an english school system). Built and owned his own home. We had common goals, he wanted to be with me and be the support that I needed to realize my dreams, stand by my side, blah, blah, blah…. The all around ideal guy, right?!? Read on……

    (Before I continue on, I want to be very clear that I am not trying to diminish or take away from anyone that has actually experienced some of these events. My purpose is to bring to light that these tactics are really used…. more often than not. And I find it beyond low… almost criminal)

    We finally decided to meet and he was going to come out to see me. It was to be in a public where I could feel safe. The afternoon that he was suppose to arrive he let me know last minute that he couldn’t come out… his father had passed away. Wow, such a sad moment…. of course! “Take all the time you need”, I wrote. He still texted every morning but this time it was about how tough of a time he was having, how his family was fighting, how bad it was…. no doubt! His father had just passed away! “We’ll meet this weekend.” “No problem”, I replied. That was on a Friday. (Intuition kicks in)

    The next weekend approached and again he cancelled. He was a mess! He was coming to terms with his past. He had regressed to his childhood and the physical abuse of his father. He was going for help and had a scheduled visit with a psychiatrist that would help him ‘deal’ with his new found demons. “Of course! That’s horrible! Do what you need to do, take all the time you need!” Then comes the next promise of a visit the following weekend….. That was a Friday. (Intuition starts to get stronger…)

    As the next week unfolded he kept me apprised of all the horrible things that he had gone through as a child. He was the only one out of four that had been abused. He was the baby of the family. In the interim, as most women do, I spoke of him to my friends on a compassionate level. I told them what I knew of him so far. How seemed so compassionate in the beginning yet so distraught now with all these unfortunate events. It was then that a friend of mine approached me and told of another girl she knew that had met this ‘perfect man’ but, funny enough, was also having trouble meeting him. Met him the same way, too. When the girl mentioned that her weekend had been cancelled because of the death of the father, my friend took a step back. Thankfully, she was smart enough that she began asking the right questions to this woman. Yup, same guy, same story. So I called him on it.

    “What? How could you think that?”, “Maybe it is someone else that is experiencing the same thing?”, “Why would someone say that about me?”, “I really like you, I would never do anything to hurt you, I want to be with you only…” Denial, denial, denial… “Oh, ok.” I know who this woman is and, in his defence, she is a little bit of a nutbar. He must be telling the truth. Topic quickly changed to his childhood and the trauma that was unfolding with the help of his shrink… you poor man!

    We finally had an opportunity to set up a meeting. Again, in a public place. Me being who I am, sent my friend and her husband in to check him out. See if he ‘looked’ legit. “Barb,” she texted me, “come over, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” Oh yay! He’s not a dud! I went in to the coffee shop and he had a coffee in hand waiting for me. I picked a table out and we sat down…. right beside my friends :) We spoke for a bit and remember saying to him that for being a man born a raised in a french community, he really didn’t have much of an accent. “Oh, it must be because of my english schooling” Hmmm, makes sense… Feeling safe I mentioned that he was sitting beside people I knew and they were immediately introduced. Laughter followed with a lot of banter talk. Great day so far so we decided to go across the street for drinks. No, I’m not stupid, my friends came along…. and a great night was had by all. He was witty, good sense of humor, no ego… yup, nice guy. He spoke of his mom and how she was the only one that understood what he went through as a child. “She would like you”, he said. How the rest of the family had disowned him becuase they thought he was a liar. He mentioned again that he built his own house and that he only owed 50k on it before it was all his (important detail). We went back to my place and had another drink, he crashed and left super early in the morning (2am ish) out of respect for me as he did not want me to think this was about sex. “I really do like you. You are my other half” I’m really not one to hop in the sack, anyway, and needed to know him more before I took that next step. He knew that. What a gentlemen I remembered thinking to myself. I told my friends all about what a wonderful evening I had and they all agreed he seemed like a good man.

    We continued to talk over the next few weeks. He had finally come to grips with his past, he felt he had grown, he was a new man. He could look himself in the mirror and say he was proud of himself for conquering this devastation in his life. Yup, he was hitting the gym hard and wanted to compete in 2013. I remember that feeling of drive so I backed him 100%. When we spoke he didn’t use the word sexy a lot… it was words like beautiful, kind, big-hearted, the woman he had been waiting for… he could spend the rest of his life with me…. hmmmm, skiddish Barb emerged. Not sure if I want to get married, we only just met, I have big goals and can’t really dedicate myself in that manner at this time. “But you are my better half”, “I want to help you with those dreams, hold your hand, shout how much I care at the top of my lungs! I want the world to know you are mine” Awwww….. (Insert sucker here). “You are all I think about when I am at work”. “ha ha, that’s sweet but make sure you concentrate on what you are doing so you don’t get hurt”… “I won’t, I promise” He even drove 2.5 hours to drop me off at the airport at 5am when I left for work. Now, really, how uber sweet is that?!?

    We continued to talk while I was out on the ship. He gave more compliments, more positive thoughts on his progress to the new him, more talk of our potential future together. He sent pictures of himself at the gym, of the family cottage, of him in the pool in Cuba from a year ago… I asked him one day to send a picture of himself… he did, but it was one that he had already sent. I asked for one of that day, a candid shot. He sent another… in the same shirt, with the same background setting but in a different spot… hmmm, that’s wierd. I mentioned that I thought it was of the same time and it was then that he fell off his ladder at work and would be down for two weeks. “I’m ok, baby. I’m healing but it just takes time”, “I care for you a lot”, “I want to be closer to you and want to move to Ottawa, I’ve been looking for jobs”…my reply, “where you going to live?” Btw, my responses to when he said I was his other half, I reallly care for you, etc was ALWAYS “oh my”. I’m not a trusting sort but this guy was slowly getting my attention.

    I got back from work after a few months and he wanted to pick me up. “I can’t wait to see you”. Me being who I am needs some down time to decompress so I said “no, come out a few days later to give me time to readjust” “But I want to be with you” “nah, come out in a few days, I need time.. actually, give me a week to get everything settled down first and then we can see each other” “Ok, baby, next weekend.” “I’ve been looking for jobs and know a friend who will hire me, I’m going to sell my company so I can be closer to you” “Oh my… are you sure you want to do that” “Yes, I want you in my life”

    The weekend soon approached and I got a message saying that his mom was just rushed to the hospital and head been diagnosed with general cancer. Oh my goodness!! How horrible! “yes, I am having a really bad year. I am trying to stay positive but it is very hard” “I totally understand, take your time and do what you need to do” “Ok, baby, next weekend” That was on a Friday. (What the….? My guts feel funny… and not funny like a clown either…)

    Normally ops resumed with his daily texts about how much he cared for and missed me, how he can’t wait to be with me. “Maybe I can move in with you ha ha” “OH MY! ummmm, not sure what to say here” “But you and I will make the perfect couple. You are my half and want to spend the rest of my life with you. You will be Misses Z” “Ummm….. but I thought you were Mister X, then Mister Y?!?” “That’s my mother’s name. I stopped using my dad’s name when I remembered what he did to me” In comes the diversion of how his mom was getting better in the hospital and was going to stay with him now until she can get better and doesn’t have to be alone. “How can you come out if your mom is there?” “My sister is coming to spend the weekend with her. I told her that I was with mom every day and that it was time to step up. She only lives an hour and a half away and she knows that I am going to see my baby” Again, the next weekend approached and again comes the infamous message. “Baby, my mom just got rushed to the hospital again. She’s worse than ever” “Of course, I totally understand. Take your time and do what you need to do” That was on a Friday. (Intuition in full force to the point where my stomach is stirring….. shhh, you’re wrong this time….)

    Blah, blah, blah…. the next weekend came. “Baby, I’ll be there by 10pm!” Wow, he’s finally coming out again. “Ok, that’s great! Can’t wait to see you!” 10 pm came around and sure enough he was on the front doorstep. We spent a great weekend together.. He talked about how he found work. What if I move in in January?” “Um, we’ll have to talk about that one. I need to sit and talk finances and responsibilities with you before we even think about that step.” “Well, I will sell my business. And I only owe 150k on the house so it can be paid off as soon as I sell”…. But I thought you said….. Then his phone rang. “My mom is back in the hospital and was sick all night. My sister was trying to call me all morning but I didn’t receive the phone call!” “Go! Go! I understand. That was Sunday morning 10 am…. “You will come out to see me next weekend. We will spend the entire weekend together in my house” “Yeah, yeah, totally understand… go do what you need to do… sigh..”

    Blah, bah, blah, next weekend approached “baby, my mom died! I’m a mess. She wanted to meet you so bad. She is in a better place but I can’t get her face out of my head :( I went to the psychiatrist today because I needed help and he said I hadn’t dealt with my dad yet and that exercise would help” “makes sense…ok, deal with your self first then we’ll talk another day” “But I don’t want to lose you” “Whatever…” That was on a Friday. So, I cancel all my plans…. (spidey senses now in complete overdrive). There are other details that will be listed below that were not mentioned above as the story would have taken forever to write but need to be mentioned.

    Time to sit back and reflect……

    All the details:
    ~ Every incident happened on a Friday.
    ~ When he mentioned me meeting his mom or dad, they soon perished afterwards making it impossible.
    ~ Major traumatic incidents happen that left little room for arguement without me looking like a shmuck in the end.
    ~ ‘Owned’ his own home, then owed 50k on it, then owed 150k on it
    ~ Mister X, then Y, then Z
    ~ Same details unfolded as the other girl until he was approached then never heard about it again
    ~ All the girls he met were after his money
    ~ He spoke to my gal pal regularly telling her how much he cared, etc thereby pulling her into his ploy and using her to help confirm how good he is and settle any doubts I had in my mind
    ~ Was asked for his address on at least 6 different occasions and when he finally gave it, the house name belonged to someone else (of Muslim descent) and the postal code didn’t even exist
    ~ Mentioned to me how others thought I was a bitch which I figured was a way to start breaking down my self esteem (nice try, sucka!!!)
    ~ Not once did he talk well about past girls he had seen… always ‘their’ fault
    ~ Mentioned his dad again after the passing of his mom which I figure was the set up for the following weekend if there was no funeral. If there was, that would take care of the weekend next
    ~ When I looked up the obituary for his father there was one on that day he said his father passed away with the same name but he was in another province and would have been 3 when he had this joker.
    ~ When he was on his ‘good’ behaviour, he would make sure I felt like I was the only one in the room and offer to help whenever he could. Didn’t always follow through on his word but would always offer at first chance
    ~ If confronted on some of these details, there was always a diversion which made me forget about it until afterwards when it lost all power or it was turned on me in a “how could you think that” manner. (I figure this was to prepare me to start thinking I was losing my sanity…. A for Effort, T for Try, F for I don’t freaking think so…)
    ~ He cancelled on me more times than he saw me
    ~ If I mentioned a moment in my life, there was always a similar one that followed to help me ‘relate’ to him but was always worse.
    ~ Never spent time with me long enough for anyone else in his life to become suspicious of any wrong doing
    ~ He always called me, I never called him

    There’s a few more minor details that I’ll mention in the comments as they come to me. Bottom line: they set a trend. They are so engulfed in their tactics that they start losing sight of the details. Pay attention to the details, people! They’re obvious later on down the road when everything goes awry. Bottom line: it’s up to you to protect yourself and your interests. No one else will do it for you. Bottom line: educate yourself on these fools. They are everywhere. Ask questions and stay the course. Do not deviate from what is important to you. Bottom line: He might be play a good game, but I’m smarter :)

    I hope this helps just one person. If so, writing this down makes it worth my while. Don’t worry about me so please no “sorry this happened to you” comments. I caught this before anything went wrong in Barb-land and have just come out stronger. This is not meant as a poor me but I really do believe that everyone need to be more aware of this kind of twit. It’s supposed to help, not hamper. Never forget to do unto others as you would have done unto you and that what goes around, comes around. God bless and may peace be upon you all :) xx
    B

    UPDATE!!! PLEASE READ!!!
    After asking the powers that be to help me unravel some of the remaining details I have been blessed with the following information:

    I received a phone call late this morning by a french woman looking for a Pasquel to which I replied “I think you have the wrong number.” I mentioned it casually to my friend who replied “me, too!!” Hmmm, now my curiosity has been piqued so we got a francophone to phone back the number. He asked a few questions and, in a nutshell this is the information that was gathered

    ~ His name is not what he said it was AT ALL (man, I would love to broadcast that name but don’t think it would do any good seeing as he seems to have a few aliases)
    ~ IT WAS HIS MOTHER!!!! Do you see what I was trying to say before I started this post? I do not want to take away those who have lost a loved one but to use it as an excuse is beyond dirty… it’s sickening!!!!
    ~ His mother is not english, she is prominent french and barely understands a lick of my fine language :)
    ~ She was under the belief that he lived in another city…. my city of all places! Mother *&^%er!!!
    ~ He also changed his vehicle twice in the short interim of us knowing each other

    Horrifying information at best but, man, am I ever glad i figured this one out early….. yuk! May the powers that be cast protection on me and the lives of every other woman who has had unfortunate associations with this man and any other man (or woman) of this sort…. protect yourself, ladies and gents. There’s some slime lurking out there…. how could you use you own mother as a fake death?!? Criminal!

    • Wow. I don’t even know what to say this is so insane. Well I won’t say “poor you” because I’m with you there. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me either. After reading all of this though…I think I got off lucky. I am so lucky I found out when I did!

  43. I haven’t read the updated post but I’m going to assume it’s someone you know – the writing was like that of a girl or an ex boy friend.

    People are heartless. To be honest I read this whole post but a warning sign of liars is that everything is SOOOOOOO descriptive. “swerving for a family of raccoons” – give me strength and all that about his mom

    WHAT AN ASS…..karma is a bitch and that person will get theirs :) I am so sorry you had to go through all this. Fucking with people’s emotions is one of the meanest things you can do. I’m a firm believer that thoughts are things and unfortunately he just put into the “universe” that his mom is going to die.

  44. I’m a firm believer in manifestation and that was the lowest of lows I have ever experienced…. I was just lucky I caught on to what he was doing before I got caught up in trouble…. ladies be cautious!!!

  45. Hey Lindsey,
    I’m almost positive I have dealt with this same guy. He gave me a different story but there are so many similarities in his writing style and the general outcome, I’m more than positive its him. Send me an email if you’d like to chat. I know one other girl who has been tricked by him too, so together there will be 3 of us. I don’t care about him or really wonder at all anymore, but I do wish that we could prevent him from doing this to countless other normal, good women.
    Nicole

  46. I KNOW THIS GUY! Not for real obviously, but its got to be the same guy. He’s done the same thing to me and countless others. I refer to him as “fake Adam” and it will haunt me until the day I die, wondering who this guy really is! It all began for me around 2007/2008, I personally know of at least 3 other girls he’s done this to in the last while….. Imagine how many others their are!! He needs to be stopped.
    To you fake Adam, because I’m certain this blog is where u spend your pathetic days:
    We will unite and hunt you down! So watch your back.
    It certainly must have been a slap in the face when one of your previous victims (M) actually started dating the guy (B) who’s pictures you stole!
    Oh fake Adam, karma certainly will have its way with you if a pack of scorned women don’t find you first.

  47. Dear Lindsey,

    I am very sorry this happened to you. I would advise you to read the book “Without Conscience, Psychopaths Among Us” by Robert Hare. There are a lot of would-be experts on psychopaths going around, but Hare has been researching them for decades now, and the book really made sense to me of the lies some people seem capable of telling. Not all psychopaths are murderers, by a long shot, but they all get a kick out of hurting people.

    I knew a woman whom I discovered was behaving very much like this online, sending false (highly photoshopped) photos of herself to strangers, making up total fabrications about herself, cheating on her husband (both online and in real life whenever possible). She had been telling me bits and pieces about herself as time went on, I was getting more and more appalled but it was like the frog boiling in water scenario. I think what finished it for me was when she told me how she wasn’t even sure if her first child was her husband’s till the baby was born as she had also been shagging a dark skinned bloke at the time she first got pregnant (her dh is fair), so it wasn’t until the baby came out that she knew for sure. I remember I said “Weren’t you worried?!” Totally stunned at her lack of guilt or emotion when she was telling me about this. She reflected for a second and said, calmly, “My mum was.”

    When I mentioned her behaviour to a psychologist who specialises in psychopaths I was really baffled and distressed, and particularly by the astonishing amount of lies she was telling, all the time, with a straight face, to everyone. He pointed me towards that book. People like that have no linear understanding of truth, feel no shame, guilt, fear or empathy and get pleasure out of breaking social conventions and causing distress.

    I am truly sorry this happened to you. But you got off lightly. Under no circumstances would I engage this person in any other way. Run for your life.

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  49. Wow, this is SUCH a crazy story and now I am wondering for your sake who the hell this person is!! I’m also sorry you went through that. I can’t wait until the story about how you punched him in the face with your kickass illustrations. You are awesome girl! Thanks for sharing something that is completely bizarre and still fresh to you.

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  51. What. The. Fuck.
    Haha sorry, and obviously I am a little behind on all my blight reading and somehow am just now reading about this…. But seriously? I know it doesn’t matter but I would LOVE to know what this person was thinking?
    I’m sorry Lindsey. Geesh. I guess now you have another good story to tell though, right? People are a-holes.

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