Adventures in Online Dating Part 2: The Dates

So I mentioned last week that I had a few dates that were a bit on the weird side when I briefly tried out the online dating thing. Honestly, for the most part my dates were fine. Everyone was very nice, and I didn’t meet anyone who was CREEPY weird (but like I said, I had a screening process – had I not there would have been a huge potential for creepiness). I probably went on dates with about seven different people, and mostly they were fine. I did meet some cool people (who were normal), I just ultimately didn’t feel a connection or didn’t see it working out.

But let’s get to the weird ones.

The Socially Awkward Liar

The Socially Awkward Liar said in his dating profile that he was 5’11, but it was clear upon meeting him that he had lied about his height. He was shorter than me (I am 5’9), and just overall slight. I could for sure piggyback him no problem. When I was describing him later to my friend Sherrie, I believe I said that I could easily pick him up and throw him. Probably one-handed.

But, height is not something you can control, so I was not so shallow that I was going to shaft him because of that. It bothered me that he had lied, of course, and as a general rule I think it is very important to be honest and up front in your online dating profile, because if you are going to end up dating someone you meet on there, the ugly truth about you is going to come out anyway. Why prolong it? And I don’t know why he would choose to lie about something so OBVIOUS. But, we had dinner plans and I was hungry so I was willing to look past it. I didn’t even bring up the height thing because I thought it would be awkward.

It quickly became apparent though, that he had lied about several other things as well. Such as having any sort of sense of humour or personality. He came across very well through typing, but in person, nothing. Zero personality.

He barely laughed at anything I said. And people usually tell me I am funny (it’s my favourite compliment). Or if he did laugh, it seemed VERY forced and way delayed.

I also found it really hard to talk to him in general. Our entire dinner conversation consisted of him bombarding me with questions. It went something like this:

I hate that question. What don’t I do for fun? I do all the things for fun!

But he went on…

The entire date. Just relentless questions. I felt like I was on a job interview for a job that I didn’t even want. It was so painful. And the questions he asked were all things that I think can come up organically in regular conversation. But he did pay, so all was not completely lost. And my dinner was really good.

The Bill Splitter

I was out for dinner with a guy who I thought was extremely funny. He made me laugh very hard, which is an important quality. He was definitely weird, but I have been known to be kind of weird as well, and I thought I might have a bit of an affinity for his weirdness. I was having a good time.

And then our sever came over to inquire about the bill…

And things took a turn for the awkward…

I just looked at him.

I didn’t mind paying but…call me old-fashioned or whatever, I think on a first date the guy should at least offer to pay. Especially if HE asked ME out. I didn’t want to get all weird about it though, so I tried to keep my face expressionless.

And then the server, all awkward, asked…

And he thought about it for a second, and then said…

Really?!

I just stared at him. I didn’t know how to react. It was so weird. And it wasn’t even the most weird for me, it was so weird for our server!

Waiting for the bill (oh, sorry, bills) to come mayyyy have been the most awkward few minutes of my life. I just didn’t know what to say. And he didn’t stop staring at me during this time. He just looked at me all intensely with a creepy smile on his face. Neither of us said anything. I felt very uncomfortable.

And then finally, our server came back with our bills. She put each of our bills in front of us, and then looked at me like “This guy’s a douche.” And he did not take his eyes off me.

And then he grabbed both of the bills and ran away to pay them. Both of them! He paid for mine also. I was so confused. When he came back, I said something.

Um, no. Here is the thing.

This guy was very funny (he used to be a stand up comedian), so I think he only did this to test me to see how I would react. He had planned on paying the entire time. While this is funny to an outsider, and it is funny to me now, it was not very funny at the time. This guy was way too unpredictable. I’m pretty sure he would make it a point to embarrass me in public all the time, and though I don’t embarrass easily, I am just not down with that. Unnecessary. No thank you.

“No Thanks, I Don’t Eat”

Date #3 seemed promising. He was very cute, great spelling and grammar, was tall, funny, and seemed super fun. And he took me to a comedy club. So wins all around.

Afterwards, we went out to a pub to get a drink. It was kinda late and I hadn’t eaten in a while, so as I was perusing the menu I asked…

Because I LOVE nachos.

Surely I misheard.

And so he repeated himself.

And then he explained to me that he worked in a bar, so he just didn’t buy food, and only ate when he was working.

Ah.

On the one hand, I was impressed by his ability to not have to eat, because it would be nice to be able to go more than a few hours without dying of starvation. On the other hand, that is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard. Also, I am very, VERY, very very very food oriented. VERY.

I explained to him that I love food. Very much. I love it so much I have a blog basically about food. And he said that was great because he really needed to broaden his food horizons, because currently he does not eat fruit, vegetables, seafood or dessert. Under any circumstance.

Nooo thank you. No. I love food too much. How would we go out for dinner? What if I was at his house and he had no food available? I could starve! Images of me starving flashed before my eyes. I did not trust him not to let that happen. It would never work out. Eating is a VERY important part of my life. Not eating is a deal breaker.

And I did. And I ate the entire plate of them, and he did not even have one. Not even one. Because they had lettuce and tomato on them. And he doesn’t eat vegetables.

Oh don’t even get me started.

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54 responses to “Adventures in Online Dating Part 2: The Dates

  1. LMFAO!!!!!!! My favourite was the “Bill Splitter” hahahahaha! :)

  2. Wow, just wow. I can definitely see why these guys didn’t get second dates. Holy crap there are a lot of weirdos out there. This is when I do my obligatory “so-glad-I’m-married” dance because I don’t know I have the fortitude to deal with people like that, but man, does it make for good blog fodder. Love your drawings, as always. :)

  3. My fave is your pictures of the first date and the guy looks like a little boy. It made me laugh out loud. You need to add some nungas to yourself in your pictures. They just don’t ring 100% accurate :)

  4. Hahaha, I love this post! I can’t decide if that bill-splitting move was really smart or really awful. I guess he wanted to check that you weren’t the kind of lady who would insist that he pay? Although someone making you feel that awkward on a first date is never good.
    People who don’t eat… I just don’t get it. Lately I seem to keep encountering people who say they only eat once a meal, and think that *I’m* the strange one for eating 3 times a day. How do people cope eating once a day?

    • That’s what I thought too – terrible move or clever? I would never insist that someone pay, but ideally it would be nice to not feel that awkward on a date. Ah well.
      Oh friend, I eat SIX times a day. I would die if I only ate once. Literally. I would die.

      • It’s terrible that he was tricking you… but still pretty clever of him. It’s a good story for you to tell, but it’s totally understandable if you never wanted to see that dude again.
        I tend to eat three proper meals and a variety of fruit, snacks, cake etc. But really, I just eat whenever I’m hungry and/or want some food. That’s another weird habit I keep encountering: people who are obsessed with the idea of having set meal times and won’t eat other than at those times, even if they’re starving hungry or somebody just offered them something delicious. Such craziness!

  5. WTF!!! LOL Oh lord..I feel the need to gave you a hug and laugh.

    First off “Bill Splitter”, WTH I’ll just expense the bill. I am sure that you didn’t know you were on a business lunch. What a loser, chivalry has he heard of that? I hate people who feel the need they need to test you, dude needs to grow up.

    Mr. “I don’t eat”….hmmm should be called Mr. “Malnourished” LOL That is some messed up Sh**, what a weirdo!! So, let me get this straight beer…is considered fuel for him….ha ha!

    I’ve tried online dating once when I was in my early twenties, not for me…too many weirdo’s.

    Happy Dating!

    • I needed a hug after a few of these!
      The Bill Splitter had no problems being rude to other people in general, so that was a big problem. And as for the malnourished chap, he looked normal! Also, and I am no expert, but I am pretty sure eating only five times a week and drinking beer the rest of the time would make you an alcoholic…

  6. Lindsey, I just want to say I’m obsessed with your blog. You are hilarious! I think the “Bill Splitter” story is my favourite… it’s just so WTF I can’t even. Also, not eating would be a major deal breaker for me too!

  7. Oh man that’s hilarious. I tried out the online dating for a bit after a long very boring relationship. It’s definitely a way to amuse yourself and the stories are all usually good ones to laugh at after the fact. One date took me to a casino after he got back into town from working a series of weeks outta town, and wanted me to bet my own money. He didnt tell me ahead of time and before the grand surprise he took me to the food court (this casino was located in a mall) and again made it quite clear he wasn’t using his own money on me. I talked to some guy who was his friend afterwards and said he did that to another girl too but she said gambling was against her “morals”. When i told the date at the time that I didn’t like gambling (I would MUCH rather be in control of what i’m spending- and actually have something to show from it like new shoes!etc.) he asked if it was against my morals. So random. But i guess it makes sense after talking to that other guy. haha such a bad “date”.

    • That is pretty much my story.
      But the casino story is good! I can get maaaybe not using your own money for your date to gamble, but he should have at least paid for dinner! Especially food court dinner! I think you should just feel lucky you got out of that date unscathed and you don’t have to put up with that crap anymore.

  8. ” I don’t eat.”
    “You should have seen the look on your face!”

    OMG…where do I even begin!! XD hahahahahaha !!!

    This post was awesome!! I shared Part I with some girlfriends, and just HAD to share this one as well :)) This is by far one of your funniest posts ever! Did I ever tell you that you remind me a bit of Hyperbole and Half?? lol

    My fav date was the one about the guy who doesn’t eat. He prob IS a vamp. Or a zombie. Either way, prob not a good dating choice.

    And I totally get what you were saying about having to be with a guy that gets your sense of humor. I’m pretty sarcastic and it totally annoys me when I go out with a dude that just doesn’t get it. Sigh…

    Btw…LOVE YOUR BLOG!! :D

    • Aw, thanks for sharing! And I LOVE Hyperbole and a Half! So that is the best compliment ever.
      No, and if I ever reactivate my online dating profile, you can bet it will be including “YOU MUST LIKE TO EAT” Very important. I wouldn’t have thought it would be necessary.
      And personality/sense of humour is my #1 quality. I spent far too long with someone who didn’t understand mine to go through that all again.

  9. You are seriously hilarious. I get legitimately sad when I finish reading one of your posts because I just want them to go on forever and ever. Thank you for this!

  10. I took a girl to Burger King once, drive thru only….Just to see if she was a gold digger or not.

  11. ha! yes!! more more!! I need to do a couple about some of my online dates. Just too good of stories not to share. As for now though, I’m so glad that you are doing online dating so we can have some good entertainment to read LOL. Is that awful of me to say?

  12. Okay, I read this earlier and had to smack myself to stop laughing. Just now I read it to my husband who had TOTALLY pegged the “bill splitter” and thought it was hysterical. So thank you for entertaining this very-far-out-of-the-dating-scene couple.

  13. This was a thoroughly entertaining read! I met someone online very similar to your Socially Awkward Liar (just not the liar part). Our first date was a train-wreck. He was exactly as you described: no personality, no laughing, quite dull (yet his online messages to me were AMAZING!!) I was so confused. Where was this dynamic person I had been chatting with!? I’m sooooo glad I gave him another chance because his *real* personality shone through on the second date and has been lighting up my life for 16 months now. It was a real lesson learned!

  14. OK, I’m giving you your favorite compliment in shouty caps: YOU ARE SO FUNNY!! Love this so much :)

  15. HAHAHAHAHAHAH this needs to be your full time job. Writing about douchebags. You are Carrie Bradshaw. The bill splitter was my personal favourite. I had a guy BEG me for EVER to go out with him- I finally agreed and drove to meet him (way too convenient for him and much too far out of the way for me). When I got there, he ordered a water. It was going to be one of those. I reluctantly ordered a pop I think, instead of the bottle of wine I assumed we’d be splitting. The bill came and he took out his wallet and threw down $40. Literally, threw down. Like I should be thanking him. I was so shocked, and I reached into my purse to get out the other $20 that would pay the bill. He then tried to kiss me in the parking lot. No thanks, douche.

    • No no, if you like someone that much that you are going to BEG for a date, you be paying. End of story. And you are a catch, so he must have known that other dudes would be wanting to date you would probably be paying for those dates, so I’m surprised he didn’t want to stand out. But of course, as we all know, people are weird.

  16. Laughing so hard at this!! I met my now husband online bought had some horrible dates before I met him. The guy who told me about his internet porn addiction, the guy who asked me to wear nylons (just ewww) and the guy who had to split dinner down to the penny (Just split it half, its fine). I wish I would have started a blog about all those dates.

  17. First of all, THIS is my favorite post ever. So much my favorite that I almost spelled it favourite for you. The question asker reminds me of my Dad. He just wanted to know everything about everyone RIGHT away. So, cool if he’s your dad. Not so much the date. The pic of you with your tongue out…priceless.
    The bill splitter – even if he did do that to see what you’d do, he still wanted to expense it through work. WHO tells someone that?
    And the pic of your eyes when the guy said he doesn’t eat. OMG. That would so be a deal breaker for me too. However, I have a friend that would LOVE him. She’s on the same diet.

  18. AAAAAAA HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA!!!! DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  19. Thanks for sharing these stories! I am a little disappointed, though, that I never had any dates that were THAT interesting.

    But, one guy I met online was working in Hawaii when we started chatting. He was a local guy and was coming home for the holidays. I didn’t believe him until he actually showed up for our date.

    Anyway, we hit it off, started dating and he ended up taking me to Hawaii for vacation a few months later. FREE! Then, he dumped me two days after we returned…via phone.

    Oh, well. I still got a FREE!! trip out of the deal.

  20. lololol this had me laughing out loud! who doesn’t eat???? there is nothign that ruins a date more than the guy not eating… bc then he just STARES at you as you eat which makes me very uncomfortable and almost ruins my food enjoyment.

  21. Lindsey!! I saw on facebook about what happened so I’m just in the process of reading all through it! I absolutely LOVED this post :) I know I’m married now, but I definitely have had my share of online dating and these are so funny!!!!! I am so glad that douche was joking and ended up paying for your meal because I seriously can’t believe he said put the app on hers!!!!!! LMFAO!

  22. Im so glad I get to hear these stories first hand from you Lindzo cause when you get excited you get really squeaky and ur facial expressions make me laugh even harder. lol But reading it online makes me laugh just as hard. You are so great at writing dude.

  23. My favourite dating encounter (most recent anyway….my all time favourite first date story is the guy who told me he’d buy me boob implants) was a guy that leaned on his elbows, while interlacing his fingers, and asked me “what’s your 5 year plan? do you plan on having children?”. Too much!

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