So. Story time!
On the way back from the beach on Saturday, we accidentally took a wrong turn and happened to pass The Manor, which is a, uh, “premier” gentlemen’s club (no, I will not be linking to the website, it’s inappropes), that looked semi fancy and expensive.
I guess I am not the most strip club savvy, as I had never heard of it, but Dawn, Leanne, and Julie immediately started singing “We love the Manor, do do do, do dooo,” (to the tune of We Want Candy) and clapping their hands. I asked them to tell me the story about it, as clearly it was a big inside joke that I had somehow missed out on, and they explained to me that they had been driving by this place for 10 years, and every time they did they were all “Wooooo, The Manor!” and they sang that song.
One of them mentioned that it was their dream to go inside, just to see what it was like. And then someone else mentioned that we should go in and ask for a tour, since it was the middle of the day, the parking lot was empty so it was clearly not busy, and probably no one would be dancing yet.
And then someone said our wrong turn must have been fate. We were meant to come here.
I like the idea of fate usually, but in this case I was skeptical. I am a little crazy, yes, and I will do pretty much anything for a story, true, but this made me feel a bit…apprehensive and sketchy.
But the next thing I knew, we were pulling into the parking lot, which had a few old men leisuring around in it (I think they worked there). And the next thing I knew, Dawn stopped the car by the back door, and as a man approached us, said to him “She would like to work here,” and pointed at me.
This caught me by surprise (although it shouldn’t have, as I know these gals are unpredictable peaches). I was immediately embarrassed, and was all…
But then the man offered us a tour, and the girls were whispering “Just go with it! It will be funny!”
And they were probably not wrong. So, I went with it.
We parked and got out of the car (as we did, the old men in the parking lot yelled “You’re hired!” at us, so that was uplifting), and followed our tour guide around the building to the front door. As we were walking he pointed things out to us, like the window to his living quarters, saying “And I live there…”
And I said, “Perfect, no commute!” (something I am always jealous of, as my drive to work is ridiculous).
We entered the building, and were immediately accosted by the smell of stale cigarette smoke and shame. The man pointed down a flight of stairs and said that was where all the girls lived, and their rooms had all been recently renovated. How nice, and so convenient to live where you work. Not only could they just roll out of bed and into their workplace, they didn’t even have to put on clothes!
And this was really starting to sound like the Playboy mansion…
The actual club was fairly nice, I guess. There was definitely an element of seediness to it, but it looked fancier than I expected. Nicer than the, ah, adult entertainment club in my neighbourhood, which I have been to exactly once when I was freshly 19 (what, you have to check these places out at least once in your life so you know what happens at bachelor parties!). I remember being severely disappointed in the dancing, as I expected there to be a ton of fun jumping around on stage, but instead I just saw a bunch of girls crawling around on the floor to Enya… I didn’t think it was remotely sexy, but I am a girl, so what the hell do I know.
Anyway, there were about three sketchy looking men scattered around, and roughly the same amount of scantily clad ladies, but nothing crazy was happening.
As we passed the bar, our tour guide told the bartender that he was just giving us a little tour, and the bartender said “they have brought their own props!”
Because Leanne and I were eating ice cream cones that we had just gotten from McDonalds.
Leanne didn’t get to enjoy hers for very long though. She accidentally touched it against the wall of a glass shower we got a (bad quality) picture in…
Yeah, I should mention there was a shower inside the club. That is a shower head that Dawn is holding.
So I think we can all imagine what has gone down in that shower…so we assumed the ice cream was tainted.
It was a funny little tour, and I was laughing heartily…until our guide asked me if I was ready for my “audition.” And then I’m pretty sure my face looked like this:
And I started to run away… But then he laughed and said not to worry, he knew we were joking the entire time, he was just going along with our shenanigans. He was quite nice actually.
He also told us that the girls can make about $1,500 a night. What?
No commute, and $1,500 a night? I am in the wrong business.
But, since my best dance moves look like this…
I’m pretty sure that is out for me as a career choice…
And a few other reasons as well.
Annnnd that was our impromptu Guelph strip club adventure.