Spiders = Blech.

So I have to say, there are not a lot of things that really, truly scare me.

I’m cool with heights, and I’ll probably go skydiving or bungee jumping at some point in my life. I’m good with flying, and actually I love flying as it gives me hours of uninterrupted reading time. I like the dark. I like snakes. I adore frogs and fish. I’m a huge fan of lions, and would love to snuggle with one if I ever get a chance. Bears are okay (just play dead), and I think I could take a shark (just play dead?). Scary movies do scare me (I have talked about this), but I still like them. I’m alright with the idea of aliens. I think I’d be scared of a ghost, but I have never encountered one so it hasn’t been a problem (imagined ghosts of Indian Chiefs don’t count).

But I will tell you what terrifies the absolute pants off me. Spiders. I cannot deal with spiders. They scare the crap out of me. I hate them. As soon as I see one, panic explodes inside of me.

It’s not that I even mind other bugs. Giant moths don’t even freak me out.

(Found that at my friend’s cottage, you may remember)

I love being outside, and I feel like I pretty much grew up outside, and that’s where the bugs are! I don’t pick them up and fondle them or anything, but they’re fine. I don’t particularly enjoy mosquitos, because they like to bite me and then this happens:

Jerks.

And I’m mildly allergic to bees (I just swell up like a maniac, so it is really only a problem if I am stung on the trachea – actually happened once while I was standing in line inside Shoppers Drug Mart, but that is a story for another time), but I’m not even scared of them.

But spiders, they are frickin’ scary. I was going to draw you a picture of a scary-ass spider, but I don’t think I’ll be able to draw one as good as Allie’s from Hyperbole and a Half.

(source)

That is a scary spider. As all spiders are. Even Daddy Long Legs and baby spiders.

(source)

It’s true. I cannot.

I have no idea why spiders are so dang scary to me, but I think it has something to do with their abnormal amount of legs. I hate how they will just crawl all over you with their million legs like they own you. Like nowhere is off limits to them. Blech, blech and thrice blech.

Anyway, since it is spring, I have really been noticing lately that the spiders are OUT. I have been noticing this even more because I’m currently staying at my parents house, which is quite old, and seems to have more spiders than I am used to. At my house, I could go a month or two without encountering a spider…but here, I have seen one nearly every day. No lie. I will just be doing something totally normal and then all of a sudden SPIDER. ALERT.

And usually it has been an experience.

One of the first showers I took here, I pulled the shower curtain back and suddenly a spider appeared on it, right at face level, RIGHT BESIDE MY LIPS. I nearly made out with it. I obviously freaked out, and had to get a million tissues so I could kill it (which was an ordeal, as it was on the shower curtain so there was nothing solid behind it).

Another time I went to open a door and there was a spider ON THE DOORKNOB. I didn’t see it, and I totally touched it with my bare hand. I almost had a panic attack.

And the other day, there was a spider on the door (doors man, what is up with that?), and I saw it, and I went to gently open the door so as to not disturb it…but it is a tricky door, and the knob got stuck so I had to use a bit of force, and I accidentally FLUNG THE SPIDER ONTO MYSELF. Right onto my nungas. I’m surprised I didn’t have a heart attack, honestly. I am sad that no one was around to witness my reaction though, as I bet it was funny (not for me).

It also should be noted that I have never once seen a spider at my work. My office has always been a safe haven, free from the creepy little eight-legged beasts.

But last week I was in my office, and I noticed something crawling on the wall. It was a silly spider!

I immediately said “Um, there’s a spider in here. There is a spider in here! There’s a spider in my office! THERE IS A SPIDER ON THE WALL IN MY OFFICE!”

And my boss is amazing, and sometimes quite fatherly to me, so came in all macho with a Kleenex and was all “Allow me!” ready to get the spider…but when he went to kill the spider, it dropped onto the floor, so I had a little freak out…

So he kind of overexerted himself trying to get to the spider…and then he threw his back out (well, the spider can’t take all the credit here, he had already hurt his back that morning bending over [he is old], the spider just added to the injury). But man. Spiders! They are dangerous! I was very grateful that my boss really took one for the team for me in getting the spider, even with his hurt back. And even if he raved on about the spider and his hurt back for the rest of the day.

But I just can’t escape the spiders! They are everywhere! I feel like I could look anywhere at any time and bam! Surprise! SPIDER.

Someone please make them go away.

In the meantime though, I think I may have found a distraction from my spider fear…

(WARNING: I am about to post pictures of a very disgusting bug. If bugs gross you out, get out of here now before you have nightmares).

The other day I was perusing BuzzFeed (absolutely hilarious), and they had posted this picture as one of the 21 absolute worst things in the world:

And I was thinking to myself, that is one crazy looking centipede. That can’t be real. That is obviously an alien. And if it’s not, it probably lives in Tasmania or somewhere crazy. No way are those things in Canada.

But that night I went upstairs to bed, and I saw something out of the corner of my eye that had a LOT of LEGS hiding along my parents’ baseboards. I got a bit closer…

And then I took a picture.

WHAT IS THAT THING?! That is terrifying! That has WAY more legs than a spider! The worst thing is, I didn’t even kill it. I couldn’t! It was too speedy with it’s unnecessary amount of legs.

So now I am living with that, as well as spiders. Great. I’m excited.

Anyone else totally afraid of spiders? Anything else that is completely irrational that you’re afraid of? And is that bug not the worst thing you’ve ever seen?!

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66 responses to “Spiders = Blech.

  1. JAKLDASKLHKLDHAS WHAT IS THAT AND WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME NIGHTMARES LINDSAY??!?!?!?

    I’m okay with most bugs but cockroaches flip me the hell out. I cant even be in the same room with one…and that’s tough since those suckers are everywhere in Florida!!

  2. Ok, ok, ok. Too much to process.
    Spiders…. fucking spiders. I always say I’d rather deal with anything but spiders, but centipedes take that statement and table flip it with its many legs. I can’t believe you’ve never dealt with centipedes before! Doing laundry in the summer is like running through a minefield. Any towel I touch could uncover a centipede, who then scurries to the next damp hiding place unless I crush it with a bottle of bleach. I’m ruthless with centipedes but I cannot. kill. a spider. No matter how small.
    I was going to the bathroom and a fairly large one was sitting on the toilet seat with me, right between my legs.
    I totally share your phobia. Mine leads to serious heart palpitations and irrational fears. Spiders = gigantic knife-wielding nazi beasts.

    • I think centipedes are more city bugs, and as I grew up in the country it wasn’t really a problem. But country spiders are definitely worse than city spiders…
      I think I am the same though, I could kill a centipede, but I REALLY have to psyche myself up to get a spider. I totally have to give myself a pep talk. Also, I CANNOT touch it, even once it is dead. I have to kill it with something that leaves no chance that it will be able to touch me.

      Umm…your bathroom story is absolutely terrifying…

  3. I am absolutely terrified of bees/waspes/etc but yes hate spiders too. and im sure i would HATE that disgusting thing too ahhhh

  4. Cockroaches drive me nuts. I lived in a place that had many of them at one point. If I see a roach I have to leave where ever a am and likely throw out or burn all of the belongs I had on or with me when I saw it/them.
    I don’t mind most spiders but have done some pretty cruel things to them. I can recall being at summer camp at 11 or 12 and pulling all the legs off of a Daddy long legs.

    All-in-all Ewww!

  5. I am a pro at killing centipedes. Back when I lived in my basement apartment there were several of them. You just gotta be speedy. Or sometimes I would trip them under a container of some kind, and then figure out how to finish them off. But they can be tricky for sure… pick up some Raid from Canadian Tire or Walmart, and spray them to death if it’s easier. Works for spiders too. 🙂

  6. Not afraid of spiders, but eeek! That thing at the end of the post! I don’t know if I could handle that! And it was quick? That makes it worse! It could just dart and get you. (i’m not even sure how it would “get you” but that makes it even worse!) Yuck, yuck, yuck.
    Manfriend got Cinderella a bug sucking gun for Easter. It is like a little vaccuum and you suck bugs up into a little glass cage that has a microscope end. It is pretty cool. We spent the day sucking spiders in the backyard shed the other day. Some of them were injured by the vaccuum and didn’t make it though, so you’d be happy.
    I also heard that daddy long legs are poisonous, but their legs are too long to actually reach someone to bite them. I am too lazy to actually google this, so I am just going to pretend it is a fact.

    • Exactly, about the darting. It was WAY too quick. Unnaturally quick. Not a fan at all. Things that look like that should not exist. Apparently they don’t bite, and are more afraid of you than you are of them (isn’t everything?), but still. Terrifying.

      That is actually super cool. Where did he find that?! I want one! I am happy that spiders were fatally injured in the sucking process, yes.

      Oh, and I googled that about Daddy longlegs. It is incorrect, they are not poisonous. Doesn’t matter. They still suck.

  7. bahahaha “It’s going to have babies in my office!!” I’m so with you on the spider fear, and actually had to zip past the last couple photos because stuff like that makes me skin crawl. I opened our patio door the other day (EFFING DOORS!), and there was a big, furry, ugly spider right in my face! I screamed, slammed the door, and haven’t opened it since. I have a terrible irrational fear of them.

    Like you, most things don’t scare me (though I am afraid of heights). Would you be jealous if I told you I got to snuggle a baby lion in Mexico two years ago? 😛 I even have pictures!

  8. It’s a silverfish!!! They are often found in older homes, and they scare the crap out of me 🙁

  9. Oh my gosh, I have the exact same mosquito bite reaction. I get huge welts on my body. Spiders are one of the scariest things, you are not alone.

  10. Love the cartoons…they are the best! I definitely also share your weird reaction to mosquito bites! The bites swell up on me too…but never on my eyelid! I’m not so scared of spiders, although last week, one dropped from the ceiling and almost landed on my face…that was gross! But I do hate those creepy centipedes! yuck!

  11. Omg, that thing is horrible. I’m ok with spiders. I mean, I don’t like them, but I reeeaaallly can’t deal with roaches. Those things are FAST. And some fly. And they come out of nowhere and I pretty much live in the roach state. And we have a freakin town named after one of them (Palmetto). Ugh. Just. No. No roaches.
    My best friend and I found a spider once and we didn’t want to touch it in any way (including not even with a million tissues). So we sprayed it with everything we found in the house because we had no bug spray. So it had like perfume and hair spray on it. At one point, it was piled up with hair mousse and still walking around with a pile of mousse on top of it like it didn’t even notice. That night was not a good one.

    • Yeah, actually…now that I think about it, I am not a fan of roaches at all. The fact that they fly definitely makes them more scary. At least spiders and centipedes don’t fly.
      And your spider story killed me! hahaha. I have done that before, haha. And one time there was a spider in my yard with the biggest butt of all time…so I got a pair of scissors and cut it off so it was just legs. I could never do that now though, I don’t have the guts.

  12. Well. I guess I will have to stop telling people that “fact.”. Sometimes I make things up and think I heard it somewhere and then tell people it like it is the gospel truth. It is one of my more endearing qualities. The bug sucker is from The Learning Express. The vaccuum needs to be stronger for the really cool bugs, but it is alright for shed spiders. He also got her a “Pig popper” that shoots balls out of it’s snout at chihuahuas. (not it’s approved use)

  13. Ok that bug is INSANE! I would die if I saw that. Those mosquito bites are terrible! You poor thing. Spiders don’t bother me at all, I can actually kill them with my bare hands. Well, not the fat poisonous ones obviously, but little ones, no prob. I will save you.
    However, if there is a cockroach anywhere near me…watch out. Screaming will ensue. I have had one in my bed and in a shoe that I put on before. Ugh. I’m getting creeped out just thinking about it!!

    • Ah don’t worry about the mosquito bites. They look a lot worse than they are. They don’t usually stay gigantic like that for very long. Unless I am bit on the eyelid apparently, as that one lasted two days.

      Bare hands?! I am jealous. I would never have the balls to do that. You are a brave little soldier.

      Cockroaches seem to be VERY unpopular.

  14. Yuck yuck yuck! I hate spiders too!! A spider fell off of my ceiling and bit me on my face when I was a kid…half of my face swelled up. It was terrible. Now I run as fast as I can away from them!

    I also hate crickets. They’re pretty gross.

    My skin also swells up like yours does from mosquito bites! I’ve never known anyone that has that too!! Twinsies! 🙂

    • Twin skin!

      Yeah, actually, crickets are kind of gross. The gigantic ones especially. Still though, I’d take a cricket over a spider any time.

      And thank you for that lovely an heartwarming story about the spider biting your face. That may be a nightmare of mine tonight…

  15. Omg omg omg I HATE spiders. I freak the eff out when I see them! I even sometimes have to make someone else kill them for me because I’m afraid they’ll be able to climb out of the tissue and get on me haha.

    • Oh I do too! Unless I am alone, and then I just have to buck up and do it because the alternative is to just leave it…and I cannot bear to think about them multiplying. And who knows where it will turn up next?! Sneaky little buggers.

  16. Is it a silverfish? I think that’s a silverfish. I’m not actually that scared of spiders…so long as they’re not fat and hairy. Gah. I am, however, terrified of wasps.

    • Yes, that is apparently what it is! I have to say though, something so horrifyingly ugly should not be allowed to have such a common name. Silverfish sounds kind of nice, and that thing is just way too scary! It will be the bug that must not be named to me.

  17. Good Lord. Today has just been filled with creepy crawlies in the blogging world. First, I with my cockroaches. Then Stephanie at Clay Baboons with her tarantulas, now you with spiders and centipedes.

    To make matters worse, only today, I killed a spider that was ON MY BED.

    I think I just felt my skin crawl just remembering that…

  18. I haven’t read all the other comments, but that’s a house centipede. I know because my roommate and I found THREE in two days earlier this week. I hate this apartment. I move out in May and it can’t come fast enough. Ick.

  19. Ick ick ick! Spiders are disgusting. I don’t mind bugs usually either, but spiders can bite and be poisonous and ouch. I woke up with a super fat lip one morning, so much that I made my mom drive over and get allergy medicine on the way over. I’m imagining the only thing that could have bit me during the night was a spider. And it was by my mouth. BLECK!

    So disgusting!
    So d

  20. I like how the spider says, “hi”.
    Spiders are pretty freaky. I’m not really scared of them but I don’t want them hanging out on me. We always have lots of them in our house in the spring. Centi/millipedes definitely scare me!
    Poor old Doug.
    Good luck with all your buggies!

  21. Alyssa @ Life of bLyss

    aduaurha?!! what IS that thing? I’ve seen mini ones around my house before, but…. ew.

    spiders/bugs really don’t scare me, but they do gross me out. I hate squishing them because I always just picture guts all over the place.

  22. oh my gosh I HATE those things. so disgusting. I literally wretch when I see one. I’m with you on the spiders and you can add stink bugs to that list. I HATE them. they crawl around and then all of a sudden FLY. and you don’t know where they will land. Ugh.

  23. I HAVE THE MOST HORRIBLE SPIDER STORY EVER AND I HAVE TO WRITE IT IN ALL CAPS.

    MY NOW HUSBAND AND I HAD JUST STARTED DATING (FIVE-ISH YEARS AGO) AND I WAS AT HIS OLD APT CONDO THING. A HUGEEEEEE BLACK SPIDER WAS ABOVE HIS BED. I SCREAMED – HE GOT A SHOE – HE HIT IT – IT EXPLODED!!!!!!! BLOOD AND TINY SPIDER BABIES WENT EVERYWHERE.

    He kept hitting them like it was an arcade game.
    Scariest moment of my life.

    PS. I hate to be a real bia by saying this but I read that as humans we average eating like 8 spiders/bugs throughout our lives while we are sleeping. They crawl in our mouth. (I want to die thinking about this)

    I love your blog by the way! 🙂 New reader over from Celys page lol
    http://www.territerriterri.blogspot.com

    • Um. The caps are deserved. That story is horrifying!!! Baby spiders exploded from another spider?! Euuuughhhhhhhh. You are lucky you had your lover there to protect you! If that happened to me when I was by myself, I’m really not sure what I would do…

      Yeah. Don’t get me started on the eating spiders thing. I am well aware. Blech. I actually think it is more like 8 a year… TERRIBLE!!!

      • I didn’t even know they would do that..it was a horror show…and yes my lover was there but we were both screaming like tweens seeing edward cullen for the first time shritless. If I was by myself I would have moved. Can’t handle it!

  24. I hate spiders with the passion of a thousand suns. I kid you not, from the time I got my own room in the basement at my parents’ house when I was 14 until the time I graduated college at 21, I made my dad come downstairs every night to do a “spider check.” I made him peel back each curtain pleat (that’s where the centipedes liked to hide!) and make sure it was safe for me to go to bed.

    If I happened to encounter a bug while my dad wasn’t home, he would find a note like this on the kitchen counter when he returned: Dad, I found a SPIDER IN MY ROOM! Please pick it up. It’s under 3 encyclopedias in the middle of the floor. Love, Me”

    I also tend to terrify small children (mainly my own) when I see a bug. I don’t MEAN to make them hate bugs, too. In fact, I’d really prefer if they would kill them for me 🙂 But when I see one, I scream, cry, hypervenilate, run, hide, and beg and plead for someone to help me. It is so over the top (yet TOTALLY neccessary), but I simply can’t help myself.

    I once drowned a spider in Raid, but then paid someone $5 to come over and clean it up ‘cuz I couldn’t handle knowing it was still there.

    I should have dated an exterminator… he could just spray the whole house every day!

    • hahaha. I think you might be even more afraid of spiders than I am! That is so awesome of your dad to do a spider check for you!
      And I hear you…I still have trouble with spiders even if they are dead. Still gross. Still have legs.

      Annnnd I once caused my mom to get into a car accident because a spider dropped onto my lap from the sun visor and I freaked out so badly. Whoops. We were okay though, it was minor…she just hit a cedar hedge. No worries.

  25. 1, you would want to fend off a shark by hitting the snout.
    2, nungas?
    3, use the vacuum hose and suck up the spiders or any other bugs for that matter. No mess and you keep your distance!

  26. I swell up just like you do with mosquito bites! Ugh, so terrible.
    I hate spiders too. Last year we bought a house in the country and while working out in the yard discovered the scariest spider I’ve ever seen. It’s some type of wolf spider. These things are huge, hairy, and just generally awful looking. I was pulling out some plants and grabbed one (it was underneath) and just about lost my sh!t. I even see them in the grass a lot and now basically want nothing to do with my yard. You win, spiders. Gross.

  27. The work part of your bug story really made me miss OFSAA-I think they should create a Mary position there so I can just do Mary things and hang out

  28. Same with mosquito bites as well. Welts.

    Picture this. I finally move out on my own, 20 years ago. Bed was delivered the night before- put a blanket on top as I didn’t own sheets, and didn’t push the bed against the wall for some reason. Wake up the next day, stretch my arms out and look at the window. See something in my peripheral….dart my head to the left and there is one of those silverfish/centipedie things..right…above…my…head….on the wall. Except, it was about 4-5 inches long. If I had pushed my bed against the wall, it would have been nesting in my hair, I just know it. I had to call my roommate in to kill it – even he was grossed out.

    Not much freaks me out, but centipedes can make me the biggest baby in the world. Leeches too. Ugh. Grossing myself out here.

    Good-bye.

  29. Those millipedey things are THE WORST. Well. . . cockroaches. . .

    Anyway, spiders. Oh, wait. . . first, I linked via Erica’s blog. She doesn’t know me, I just like her blog and comment it when I see it, and today she got an award and linked to you. So. . . “Hi!” *waves hand all cheerfully and not creepy at all*

    Okay. . . back to spiders. When i was in junior high or high school, I can’t remember which, my bedroom was in the basement of our house. One morning I woke up and looked down and there was a spider crawling across my naked chest and I. . . (please pardon my language) . . . freaked the fuck out. I gave a weird kind of gasp/scream. . . like an eeek cut short, and the spider scuttled across my chest all afraid for its life and I then gave a legitimate scream and jumped out of bed brushing at my chest and stomach and simultaneously shuddering and brushing at myself like I could erase the past or something.

    I never saw where he went.

    So yeah, spiders are blech.

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  36. HEEEEEYYYY lookit that centipede. You might not like it, but that house centipede is the solution to your spider problem, because IT EATS SPIDERS. If you have the guts, get a glove, capture the centipede, make it your pet, and feed spiders to it >:D

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  38. Those aren’t spiders.. They are silver fish and they do not bite people. They will eat clothing and wall paper, but do not bite people, unlike spiders… Hope that makes you feel better

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